


Insanity

by SophiexHorayne



Category: Jaspar-Fandom, Video Blogging RPF, YouTube Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, But it's okay trust Joe, Completed, Fluff and Angst, Heartache, I know it says character death, Joe gets in a really bad way without Caspar, Loss, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Sadness, Tiny bit of Joshli bc, happiness, jaspar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:10:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 25
Words: 23,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8057713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiexHorayne/pseuds/SophiexHorayne
Summary: "You'd have liked it there Caspar. Everyone was dancing and laughing and getting drunk. I didn't get drunk. It wasn't the same without you Caspar."Joe regrets it. Pushing Caspar away? He regrets it. And now Caspar's gone and it's all his fault.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic on here. I'll probably post every week at least cause I've written most of this story out already. Hope you enjoy it xx.

7th January, 2016

"You'd have liked it there Caspar. Everyone was dancing and laughing and getting drunk. I didn't get drunk. It wasn't the same without you Caspar."

Joe looks down at his lap, away from the camera, taking in a shaky breath.

"Come home Caspar." Joe looks up at the camera with tears running down his cheeks, "I'm worried about you, and nothing's the same without you." He wipes away tears with his jumper sleeve, "I miss you. I'm sorry, about what I did, just, please, come home to me."

Joe looks at the camera one last time through tired, broken, tear stained eyes, then leans forward and turns off the recording.

 

8th January, 2016

"Hey." Joe forces a smile, but he doesn't know why, Caspar would see right through it, "Caspar, I'm really worried now. I keep calling you, it goes to voice mail. You haven't actually read any of my texts, Caspar. Please Caspar. I'm scared. Just tell me you're okay."

Joe runs a hand through his hair, sighs, "I just want to know you're okay. Everyone does Casp. You can hate me as much as you want, but, tell me, anyone, that you're okay."

And Joe reaches and shuts off the camera.

 

9th January, 2016

"I haven't slept." Joe says into the camera lens. "Four days Caspar. You haven't spoken to anyone, no one's seen you. I'm stalking fan accounts, they haven't seen you either. We're all so worried Casp. Not even your mum knows where you are. Just tell your mum you're okay. P-please be okay." 

The boy drops his head into his hands, and cries for a while. Then he looks up, and turns off the camera again.

 

10th January, 2016

"We've told fans there'll be no video on your channel tomorrow. Now they're worried too. I'm glad today's Sugg Sunday was recorded last week. When we were happy. But it's all changed in a week.

"Caspar I know- I know I scared you, freaked you out, confused you, but come home and we can talk about it. Come home Caspar."

By now Joe's out of tears, he switches off his camera then curls up back on his bed.

 

11th January, 2016

"Hey Casp. Oli's trying to make me eat, or shower. He says I'm getting even skinnier. Josh's visited. He misses you too mate. Don't you realise you're hurting everyone. Just, look after yourself yeah?

"And Caspar," Joe adds, looking straight at the camera, "I love you too."

And he switches it off again.

 

12th January, 2016

Joe's crying as he sits down at the edge of the bed in front of his camera, 

"They found a body, the police." Joe wipes more tears, "It can't be you. I wont believe it's you. But they say it matches. But it's hard to tell. The body was damaged by rocks and water.

"You wouldn't have done that, would you? Jumped, off the cliff." Joe sniffs again, tears blur his face, his camera briefly takes him out of focus, "It would've been my fault. I'm sorry, Caspar, what I did, it-it didn't mean nothing. I was scared. But I didn't want you to jump. Caspar please come back. You're not dead, you're somewhere, I know you're somewhere, alive.

"And I love you, and I'll wait for you to come home Caspy."

Joe promises and he stands up, and the camera recording shuts itself off.

 

13th January 2016

"Caspar. You're mum's devastated. We're all crying. Everyone's sad, and it's my fault isn't it. I made you jump off. I'm sorry.

"The fans are crying too. You're trending everywhere. But no one knows it's my fault. No one knows I killed Caspar Lee."

Joe's breaks down in his lap, his body shaking.

"Joe what are you talking about?" Oli walks in the room but Joe doesn't look up.

"I killed him Oli." Joe cries, letting his body fall into Oli's arms. They're strong and a little comforting, "It's all my fault."

Oli closes his eyes, holds Joe tightly to keep him from shaking. "It's not your fault Joe."

"It is you don't understand." Joe sniffs, "I killed Caspar." And Joe's muttering inaudible words into Oli's chest They sound like 'sorry' and 'Caspar' and 'murderer'.

Then Oli sees the camera recording and leans over to turn it off, still holding Joe tightly and the camera cuts out.

 

19th January, 2016

"Oli made me eat. I don't deserve his help. Sugg Sunday was forgotten this week. Everything's been forgotten except you Caspar. Your funeral's next week. But you're not dead, that's not fair.

"I'm in your room, you might have noticed. It still kind of smells of you."

Joe sighs. His eyes are red and puffy, clouded over with exhaustion. He's never been so skinny either. Oli has to force feed him.

"I love you Caspar. You're not dead, I know you're not."

"Joe!" Oli walks into the room, "Come on, you have to stop doing this. It's not helping you." He goes to shut down the camera.

"No! Oli, I can't tell anyone else. Only Caspar!" He lunges forward to stop the taller lad.

"Joe, Joe," Oli pushes him back to the bed gently, "Joe Caspar can't see these video's. The camera isn't Caspar." 

"NO! He can hear me! Caspar's there, he's watching, he's listening, he's okay Oli!" 

"Joe stop!" Oli raises his voice slightly and Joe looks at him with fright. And Oli sees someone he's never seen in Joe. In his eyes and face and mouth: just a boy; a broken boy. He softens his tone "Joe. You know it's not true. You know Caspar's, dead." He grips Joe's shoulders to get him to listen, "I know it's horrible. I know it hurts. But he's gone. It wasn't your fault and there's nothing you can do."

Joe's crying again, tears and snot dripping from his chin. He lets his body collapse into Oli, wiping his face into his clothes. Oli ignores the mess Joe's making of his top, and holds him tighter with one arm, then uses the other to turn off the video.

 

25th January, 2016

"Hey Caspar." Joe says. He's lost more weight, the colours in his eyes have faded to grey, there's no trace of a smile anymore, "They're planning your funeral. They still think you're dead. Your mum saw the body. She cried. I told her it was okay, it wasn't you, you are still alive. She just cried more. 'He's dead Joe, he's dead okay?' But you're not Caspar. I went in. I-I saw the body too. It isn't you.

"The body didn't have your dimples, I mean he wasn't smiling but even when you don't smile I can see your dimples. I held the body's hand, just to see, I let my fingers stroke his arm, or what was left of it. They weren't soft like yours, and his hands were smaller. I'd notice that. And the body's lips. Oh Caspar they weren't your lips. I know, I know that the body was damaged a lot in the sea and on the rocks, but I know your lips Caspar, and this body, it's lips were thin and small and darker coloured. It wasn't you Caspar."

Joe begins to cry again, shakes his head, "Everyone's saying your dead. You're not. You're alive Caspar. Tell everyone prove you're alive. You have to be. You're not dead!

"I won't let you be dead!"

Violently, Joe lashes out, he launches the camera off the tripod. It falls to the floor with a clatter and the video recording ends.

 

1st February, 2016

Joe closes the closet door quietly, turns on the camera,

"Hi Caspy. I know it's dark and you can't see me. Oli took my camera after I hit it last week. It's your funeral today. Zoe's here. I'm hiding. I don't want her seeing me sad. I'm also hiding from Oli because I stole my camera back. It's so I could talk to you. You like me talking to you right Caspar? I know you can hear me. You're alive somewhere."

"Joe?"

Joe jumps at the sound of his sister's voice.

"Caspar I have to go. I love you. I'll try and talk tomorrow." 

He turns off the camera and scrambles out the closet.


	2. Grey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The colours of the Earth fade like Caspar does.

What Joe notices first is that everyone is wearing black.

"Why can't we wear blue, like his eyes, or yellow, Caspar reminds me of yellow, like the sun." Joe says, looking between Zoe and Oli with a frown. 

"Joe where've you been?!" Oli asks, then sees the camera in the shorter boys hands. "Joe." He goes to take it.

"It's mine!" Joe steps back away from him. Oli watches him challengingly.

"Why do you want the camera?" Zoe asks Oli, "What's going on?"

"I didn't want to worry you, he thinks Caspar can see the videos he makes on it." 

"He can!" Joe argues, "He's not dead Zoe, the body wasn't his."

Zoe looks at her brother pitifully. Joe hates that look, it had always made him feel stupid, "Joe. Joe you know that isn't true."

Joe blinks tears away, "Why do you all say that?"

"Because he died Joe." Zoe explains softly, "And now we're going to his funeral, to say goodbye."

Joe shakes his head, "I don't want to say goodbye yet, he still- he still thinks it meant nothing, he still, he still doesn't know!"

Zoe glances over to Oli. He gives her a blank look, 

Joe continues, " And that's why he died. I killed him, cause I said it didn't mean anything but it did." Then he's crying again, "It's my fault. But I can't have killed him, I love him I wouldn't have killed him, I want him back I want to tell him that I love him." He begins to fiddle with his camera, pulling at the wrist strap, murmuring undecipherable words under his breath.

Zoe looks on, near tears, "Joe, it isn't your fault," She gingerly rests a hand on her brother's shoulder, "He didn't die because of you."

"He did you don't understand Zoe! No one understands." He steps away and hugs his camera close, crying silently.

"Car's here." Josh says as he comes up the stairs, "What's going on? Joe, you okay man?"

"He said I was his everything." Joe mutters into the plastic of his camera.

"Come on Joe." Zoe rests a hand on his shoulder and guides him out the house.

The car, Joe notes, is also black. He thinks it should be painted, purple, Caspar likes purple, right? He should asks him. Secondly, he sees it's long; a hearse. There's a coffin in the back.

"It isn't him." Joe repeats, stopping in his tracks by the car. 

"Joe, come in the car with me and Alfie, so Caspar's mum can go in there with Theo." Zoe tugs his blazer.

"Why am I in a suit again?" Joe asks, hugging his camera tightly as he dawdles towards the car, "Caspar doesn't do smart."

"But you want to look nice when you say goodbye to Caspar."

"Why would I say goodbye?" Joe asks.

Zoe decides not to answer, and gestures for him to get in the car. Oli sits beside Joe in the back. Zoe sits in the passenger seat with Alfie driving.

"Alright?" Alfie asks, "Belts on?"

Frowning, Joe does up his seat belt and presses himself against the car door, his camera pressed closely to his chest, "Don't worry." He whispers against his camera, "I won't let them take you again." 

The car ride is silent on tension as they follow the hearse up to the church. The church is big, Joe decides. There's lines of gravestones in the front yard and trees grow at the sides, blossom dressing the graves elegantly.

He follows everyone else and gets out the car, shutting the door with a small, weak, bang.

"Joe, shouldn't you leave the camera in the car?" Oli suggests, but wishes he never said anything as Joe gives him an ice cold look and tightens the grip around his camera.

Everyone entering the church looks sad. Joe isn't sad. He's confused. 

"It's okay, Theo." He says as he walks passed Caspar's sister, "He's not really dead."

"Joe." Zoe hisses as she pulls him to the side, "Sorry Theo, he's, he's not coping with all of this."

Joe isn't listening anymore. He can see the funeral car and Josh is one of the people carrying the coffin. "Caspar could help, he's tall and strong." He mutters.

"Joe this way." Oli says, steering him away from the coffin and towards the church door.

"But I want to tell them Caspar can help!" He protests.

"You know Caspar isn't here." Oli says.

"I thought we were saying goodbye to him?" Joe asks.

Sighing Oli answers, "We are, I mean, Caspar can't be here to carry his coffin cause he's in the coffin."

"No Oli! The dead body is in there, not Caspar." Joe shakes his head, "You're silly."

 

The church is quiet and Joe hates it. No one's talking, they're all crying or praying. Joe's cried too much already, and he doesn't pray. He tugs Oli's sleeve,

"It's quiet. I don't like it." Joe whispers, "I want to go home please."

Oli doesn't know what to do, "You can't Joe, we can go home soon yeah?" He rubs his shoulder gently, "It'll be okay Joe."

"I know. But no one else thinks that." Joe frowns, says nothing for a moment, "Why did you take my camera?"

"I didn't think it was a good idea for you to get so attached. You know, the camera, the camera isn't Caspar. You know that really, don't you Joe?" Oli says quietly.

Joe blinks away more tears, his eyes still sting from constant crying. He nods, "I know, but I want, I want to send Caspar the videos. Or show him them. They're vlogs for him. He'd like that, right?"

Oli looks at Joe sadly. "Yeah." He says eventually, "I'm sure Caspar would love it Joe."

Satisfied, Joe nods.

A bell rings at the entrance of the church, everyone hushes and stands up, Joe copies. An organ starts up and they're singing a hymn. Joe doesn't know it but he looks over Oli's shoulder at the order of service, muttering the words.

Joe sees Josh, Caspar's father, and other members of Caspar's family and close friends carry the coffin through the door. Joe knows its not Caspar but he suddenly feels an emptiness and it scares him. The six men gently place the coffin down on the stand at the front of the church before taking their seats. Joe looks at the coffin. It's wooden. Caspar would find it too plain. Everyone sings the final lines of the song, but Joe doesn't. He's looking at the coffin and suddenly it's hitting him. Caspar isn't alive.

He tugs anxiously at Oli's sleeve and looks at him with wide eyes that shone with tears. Oli looks at him sorrowfully, wraps an arm around his friend's shoulders and pulls him close. "I know Joe." He whispers softly as the song finishes. Everyone sits down and Joe bows his head brokenly.

*Flashback*

"Joe!" Caspar yelled leaping off the sofa after the older lad.

"No!" Joe squealed, making a dash for the stairs. 

But Caspar was faster and Joe felt arms around his waist and then he was lifted from the ground. 

"No! No! Caspar put me down." He laughed quietly between breaths and Caspar put him down, turning him around so his back was against the stair rail.

"Hey." Caspar whispered softly, his hands loosely held onto Joe's hips.

Joe smiled a little and looked at him shyly, "Hi." He replied, allowing his arms to go around Caspar's neck.

"Joe?" Caspar started, resting their foreheads together.

Joe felt a butterfly stir in the pit of his stomach and suddenly Caspar was really close and his eyes were really blue and beautiful and pretty.

"Yeah?" He asked quietly, his voice suddenly dry and shaky.

"You mean everything to me you know that?" Caspar said, pressing their bodies closer together. Joe felt Caspar's breath on his lips and liked the way it left them tingling. 

Suddenly Caspar was kissing him, carefully, but with a confidence and it made Joe feel weird; a good weird. It felt different to when Joe had kissed anyone else. It felt like his blood was on fire and his lips were numb from the taste of Caspar's lips and it felt so perfect. Caspar pulled away slowly, looking at Joe with a flicker of nervousness in his blue eyes.

"Was-was that okay?" He asked, looking down at the floor shyly.

Joe found it cute and he saw a small sweet blush in Caspar's cheeks and he really liked it. But suddenly he didn't want to say that. Caspar was his friend and this shouldn't happen. That should never happen.

"It doesn't mean anything." Joe said, standing up straight to move a little from Caspar, the lack of space suddenly overwhelming.

Caspar looked up at him, frowning, "R-right." He stepped away from Joe to let him walk away, "Sorry." He didn't look back at Joe, but turned and ran out the door, and the last thing Joe heard was it click shut.

*End of Flashback*

 

"We are gathered here today," The priest at the front says causing Joe to look up from his lap, "To celebrate the life of Caspar Richard George Lee, who has now returned home to our God, and God the Father."

Joe feels a stab in his heart and he's also mad because Caspar doesn't even believe in God. He watches a drop of water splash onto his Camera and realises he's crying. He feels Oli put a hand back on his shoulder and it's nice; comforting, but he doesn't want Oli he wants Caspar. 

But he knows, he finally knows now. They're all right:

Caspar Lee is dead.

He sniffs, leans a little into Oli's side and whispers, "He's really gone isn't he." It doesn't sound like a question. Because he knows it's true.

Oli breaths out and nods, "Yeah."

Caspar's sister goes up to speak. Joe wants to apologise for telling her Caspar was alive. She talks about Caspar's life. Then she mentions him moving in with Joe, and Joe doesn't want to listen anymore.

"Oli, Oli I want to go." He says quietly, tears soaking his face. Again, Oli just looks at him, notices even more how the colour in Joe's eyes had faded to a dreary grey and how his cheeks were drenched in salt tears, and thinner than usual. And Oli realises how much Caspar meant to Joe. And now Joe is heartbroken. It scares him.

Quickly, he nods, stands up and leads Joe along the row they'd been sitting, clambering over Alfie and Zoe who look up worriedly. Joe feels all eyes on them as they walk out the back of the church. He grips his camera tighter, pulls at the strap to ease a bit of his anxiety. 

Oli gently lets the door shut behind him, before walking a little round the side of the church with Joe. Joe stumbles a little, struggling to see through tears.

"It can't, can't be real." Joe says, looking up at Oli but he just sees blurs through his tears. He blinks but they don't go away, "I'll wake up in a minute, I have to." He shakes a little, "Caspar can't be gone. I have to see him again, I have so much to tell him Oli!"

"I know mate, we all do." Oli says, pulling the shorter lad into a hug. Joe cries into his friend's chest and he feels Oli's grip tighten. 

Joe lifts his head to speak, "But you don't get it Oli. It's all my fault." He says quietly, his cheek leaning against Oli's shoulder.

"No it's not Joe."

"It is. He kissed me Oli. And I liked it but I-I said it was nothing, that it was a mistake and then he left, and, and he never came back." Joe quivers and lets out a sob.

Oli thinks about the information and wants to make a comment about how he totally ships them. But this isn't the time, "And did it mean nothing to you?" He asks curiously.

Joe tries to shake his head, "No. But I was scared to, to say so and now it's all too late. I love him so much Oli. I treat him so badly." He buries his face into Oli's shirt and cries again.

"Joe?" Zoe walks up to them slowly, she glances at Oli pointedly.

"It all just hit him I think." Oli explains, "You want to talk to Zoe about it?" He asks softly to Joe who nods and slowly pulls away from Oli, looking up at his sister.

Zoe notices how small he is, the way his back is bent over slightly in a hunch and he's trying hard not to let his head look to the ground. His hair's been pulled back by the wind, his face is red and blotchy with tears. But he looks so small and broken it reminds Zoe of seven year old Joe who lost his favourite toy in the park. She pulls him into her arms and lets him sob quietly.

Oli smiles weakly at Zoe and walks back into the church.

"I'm in love with him Zoe." Joe says quietly, "And now he's gone and it's my fault."

"Why is it your fault Joe?" She asks softly, running a hand through his hair. 

"He kissed me." Joe answers, closing his eyes because it just hurt too much to keep them open, "And I kissed back but I freaked out when he said I meant everything to him. I just, I said the kiss meant nothing." He sniffs and holds his sister tighter for support. "But it wasn't true and then he ran away and, and then he jumped."

Zoe says nothing, just holds her brother tightly, and looks up at the sky as thick, grey clouds cover any remaining colours Earth had left.


	3. Nightmares

Soon after the funeral, Oli took Joe home. They didn't go to the burial, or the after do. Oli let Joe lie on the sofa under a blanket, watching a film. 

"Joe do you want dinner?" Oli asks, walking in from the kitchen.

"Not hungry." Joe says quietly.

"Yeah but you should eat something, I don't want you fading away on me." Oli says hopefully.

"I kind of want to fade away Oli. Then I could see Caspar again?" He answers, looking up at his friend through tired eyes.

"Caspar wouldn't want you giving up everything here for him would he now." Oli says, "Come on mate, I'll make you a sandwich at least. You haven't had anything all day, you must be hungry."

Beneath the anxiety and numbness stirring in Joe's stomach, he can feel it rumbling with a want of food. But he feels sick too. He says nothing all the same.

"Joe." Oli sighs, bending down to the level of the sofa, "Joe I know this is hard, you lost the person who means the most but, you can't completely lose yourself. You can get over it Joe." He rests a hand over the boy's shoulder. Then Joe's crying again.

"It-it doesn't stop hurting Oli!" He sniffs, "It all hurts so much." 

Oli says nothing, but rubs Joe's back in comfort. "You need to eat though Joe. I'll make you a sandwich okay?"

Joe nods silently, his head grazing over the tear soaked patches on the sofa.

"Alright mate." Oli says, getting up and walking over to the kitchen. 

 

Joe was asleep when Oli came back.

"Joe." He says softly, shaking him carefully to wake him up.

Jolting awake, Joe looks up at Oli, "Is Caspar home?" He asks.

"N-no. Your sandwich Joe." Oli says, holding the plate out to him, "It's just a cheese sandwich, there's not much else in the house."

Joe nods and forces his body to sit up. He pulls the blanket closer over his body and takes the plate.

"Thank you, Oli." He whispers quietly, picking up one half of the sandwich with shaky hands. He takes a small bite. It tastes okay. The bread is soft but gets stuck to the roof of his mouth. The cheese tastes alright.

"Okay?" Oli asks, receiving a nod, "I'll stay here again tonight okay?" Joe nods again, taking another little bite.

He manages the first half of the sandwich before his stomach is burning and he doesn't want anymore. Oli doesn't mind, he takes it and puts it in the fridge. 

Joe decides he wants to go to bed. It was only seven, and that worried Oli too, but he nods and helps Joe to his room. 

"Y-you know, when I lived with Caspar, h-he'd sneak into my bed sometimes, and we'd cuddle. It was nice. Caspar makes me feel nice." Joe says, pulling off his shirt.

Oli nods, "You probably made him feel nice too Joe." 

Joe shuts his eyes tight as more tears fall. "I want him back."

Sighing, Oli pulls Joe into another hug as the smaller boy cries into his chest again. Oli has lost count of how many shirts Joe has ruined with his tears, but it didn't matter to him.

"Come on Joe. Get some sleep yeah." He says, pulling away and wiping Joe's eyes. 

Joe nods, "Night." He falls, exhausted, onto the bed and feels Oli pull the covers over him,

"Goodnight Joe." He turns out Joe's light and closes the door.

~

"NO!" Joe yells, rolling out of the bed with a loud thud. He doesn't notice much though. Everything's blurry and dizzy, "No. Caspar I didn't. Didn't mean it!" He screams into the floor and rolls over.

The door opens and Oli rushes in, "Joe." He speeds over to where Joe lay on the floor sobbing again. "Joe." He says more softly, carefully picking Joe up bridal style off the floor. The boy shakes in his arms as he cries and Oli places him, gently, down onto the bed again.

"Joe, what happened?"

"C-Caspar hates me." He whimpers and rolls around on the mattress. 

Oli frowns, and picks up Joe's duvet which had also fallen to the floor, "Caspar never hated you Joe."

"He does now. Cause I said it meant nothing." Joe cries, welcoming the duvet as Oli placed it back over him.

"He didn't hate you Joe. He'd never hate you. Caspar loved you." Oli says, sitting at the end of the bed.

Joe shakes his head violently, "Not anymore. Else he wouldn't have left."

Oli sighs, "Calm down Joe. If Caspar was still alive, he'd still love you. He always loved you, more than anyone. Don't ever think otherwise."

"Really?" Joe asks, his breath shaky from his tears. He wipes his eyes and looks over at Oli, making out his shape in the darkness of the room, "What is the time."

"About two in the morning Joe." Oli answers, "Get some more sleep." He goes to stand up but Joe reaches for him.

"Stay here? Please." Joe doesn't look up at him, plays with his bed sheets instead.

"Alright." Oli says, walking around the bed and climbing in the other side. He doesn't expect it but Joe shuffles over and lies his head in Oli's chest.

"Thank you Oli." He mumbles quietly.

Oli wraps an arm around the smaller lad and smiles, "Night Joe." He says, but Joe's already asleep.

~

A knock on the bedroom door woke Oli up. He looked over to see Josh standing there, a curious look on his face.

"What's going on?" Josh asks, looking at the position Oli and Joe lay in.

Oli shakes his head, "Joe had a bad dream or something and had a complete breakdown and he wanted me to stay." He explains. "I don't want to wake him."

Josh nods, "I'll make you some breakfast or something?"

"Okay, don't set fire to anything." Oli smiles. Josh grins, 

"When would I ever?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I really messed up and forgot to put this chapter in at first. I'm so sorryyyy :(


	4. Pain

"Caspar." Joe says to the camera. His voice is sore from drinking little water and barely eating unless Oli forced him, also from excessive crying. "Casp, I- it's true. You're really gone? I'm never going to see you smile ever again." He cries again, and wipes his eyes hurriedly, "I never, never got to say that you're my everything too." He sobs quietly into his pillow, "I love you too Caspar. I love you so much and now you're gone and its my fault and I can't do this anymore. Maybe, maybe I could join you." He wipes his eyes and looks at the camera again, "Bye Caspar. I love you." 

He turns off his camera and rolls over in bed. 

The ceiling's white and plain. The light bulb clings to the ceiling but it's turned off. The covers are itchy, and warm from Joe's body heat. There's a knock on the door but Joe doesn't even look over.

"Joe, do you need anything?" Oli asks, "More water?" Joe doesn't move. "Joe." Still, he doesn't respond, "Joe." He walks over to the bed and sits beside him, "Joe, talk to me. You're worrying everyone." Oli says, "Please." 

And Oli doesn't want to cry but he's never seen Joe like this; never seen anyone like this. "Say something Joe. Anything. Please Joe."

And then Joe blinks, a tear escaping his eye. Oli watches with a frown and then Joe's shaking again, crying desperately.

"I-It doesn't, it doesn't stop hurting." He pulls his legs up and rolls over, crying into the pillow again.

Oli feels a lump in his throat as he rests a hand on Joe's shoulder, "Joe." Oli sits there, a hand on Joe's shoulder until he's cried himself to sleep.

And Oli knows he can't do this: Be there for Joe every time he cries himself to sleep. He can't watch Joe slip away. He doesn't know how to fix him.

When he knows Joe's fast asleep, Oli slowly stands up, heads back into the lounge. He texts Josh quickly.

To Josh: Can you come over to Joe's. I'm really worried about him...

From Josh: What happened?

To Josh: He won't eat. He didn't even talk to me for ages then just had a breakdown. I don't know what to do.

From Josh: omw x

Oli smiles slightly at the kiss and puts his phone back in his pocket. He goes and boils the kettle, making himself some tea, before hearing Josh open the door and walk in,

"Hey." He says sombrely.

"Hi." Oli says, "Tea?" Josh shakes his head. "How are you mate?" Oli asks.

"Coping." Josh says with a shrug. "I'm better than Joe. How is he now?" 

"Asleep." Oli says, leading Josh over to the sofa while putting his tea on the coffee table.

"What happened earlier?" Josh asks.

Oli sighs, "I asked if he wanted anything and he didn't even blink to show he'd heard me. So I went over and he started crying and he said 'It doesn't stop hurting.' and then he cried himself to sleep." 

Josh listened and rests a hand on Oli's shoulder, "You know, maybe he shouldn't stay here. Maybe he should go to his father's or something?" 

Oli nods, "Yeah, I was thinking that."

"It's not fair that you should have to deal with it all." Josh rests a hand over Oli's instead, and Oli looks down at their hands awkwardly.

"W-what's going on?" Joe mutters, leaning against the door way, looking at them through half closed eyes.

Oli quickly withdraws his hand from Josh's and stands up, "Nothing Joe, are you okay."

"Water?" He asks, his voice scratchy.

Oli nods and grabs him a glass of water. "Oli?" Joe begins.

"Yeah Joe?" 

"Was Caspar buried?" He asks, drinking some of the water gratefully.

"Uh, yeah."

"I want to visit the grave." Joe admits.

"Are you sure?" Oli asks. Joe nods.

Oli looks over at Josh who just looks back with a worried expression.

"Joe, we were thinking you should go back to your mum's or dad's." Josh says.

"Why?" Joe asks with a small frown. 

"They can look after you better." Oli explains.

"I don't need looking after!" Joe protests, then he's crying again, "I just want Caspar. It all hurts too much without Caspar." He collapses into Oli's arms, still gripping his glass of water. Oli holds him tightly, and Josh watches.

Joe needs his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter in a few days :)


	5. Closure

"They're taking me back to mum." Joe says to the camera, "Oli says it's okay, I'm going home but I'm home here. This is as close to home as I can be. In your bed, in our house. I want you back Caspar. I can't stop crying." 

Oli walks in, seeing Joe loosely holding his camera and crying. He can see the camera slipping from Joe's grip and goes to take it, stopping the recording.

"Joe. These videos don't help." Oli says, putting the camera onto the bedside table, "Come on. I've packed you some clothes and your wash kit. Your mum's picking you up soon. Go have a shower, yeah?"

Joe shakes his head, "I want to stay here." He wines. 

"Joe, trust me mate."

"You love Josh. What if Josh left you?"

"What are you talking about Joe?" Oli asks, blinking in confusion.

"You were holding hands. It's okay Oli I don't mind. But what if he left, wouldn't you want to talk to him still, and stay as near to him as possible?"

Oli decides not to argue, nods, "Yeah, yeah, but, you need some distance to process it all Joe. And you aren't doing that by making the videos and lying here all day. Please mate."

Joe is sobbing again though, "I just want to wake up and see him next to me in bed, like old times. I want him to be here and all this will be a dream then."

"I know Joe. And that's why you need to leave for a bit. To realise it isn't a dream." Oli explains softly, "It's okay Joe, you can come back here eventually."

But Joe is too tired to argue. Instead he just sits there letting tears roll sombrely down his cheeks.

~

Two hours later and Joe's mother knocks on the door. Oli answers,

"Joe's, well, he doesn't want to leave the bed." He says sheepishly, but leads Tracey into Caspar's room, where Joe lies at the edge of the bed, staring down at the carpet where the suitcase sat.

"Don't want to go Oli." Joe mutters.

"Joe honey." His mother says crouching down to be eye level with her son, "Come to mine for a bit. You can tell me everything yeah. We can have your favourite ice cream and you can watch movies yeah?"

Joe looks up through red, shattered eyes, still filling with tears, "Mum the tears just don't stop." He says, "I want everything to just stop." He begs.

"I know baby." Tracey says, "I can help you honey."

"I call Caspar honey." Joe says quietly, "A-and he said I'm his everything; his world. Mum I miss him."

"I know. Come on darling." She gets him to sit up and then pulls him into her chest. 

And Joe had missed his mum tremendously. He holds her tightly, shakes in her arms but he feels safe. His mother smells the same too and he missed that smell.

"Come on baby, let's go yeah?" She asks, smiling at Oli as he picked up the suitcase to take to the car.

"I love Caspar mum." Joe murmurs, "Is that really, really bad?" 

"No darling. That's not bad." She answers, helping him to stand up.

"Are you mad at me now?" He continues, leaning into her side because it hurt so much to walk now days. 

"No baby. I'd never be mad at you for being in love." She answers, walking him out the door and then helping him into the front seat of the car. 

He leans his head against the window and looks out of it. It isn't raining, but it isn't sunny. There are a couple of clouds hiding the sun but the rest is blue sky. It's bright though and Joe isn't used to it. Instead he closes his eyes, and then he's suddenly asleep.

~

When Joe awakes he's in a bed. The ceiling's painted white but he knows he isn't home. 

"Caspar?" He calls, his voice dry and hoarse. When no one replies, he speaks louder, "Caspar? Caspar where am I?" He looks around the room, the oak wood wardrobe in the corner; neat bedside table, set with a lamp and digital clock; the curtains sheltering the light attempting to burst into the room; and the suitcase lying on the floor- his suitcase. 

Suddenly Joe remembers Caspar isn't here, and he's at his mum's and Oli isn't even here any more. Where's his camera?

Joe rolls over, scans the floor by his suitcase for his camera, but doesn't see it, he turns and looks the other side; not there either.

"Caspar!" Joe is still yelling Caspar's name because maybe Caspar can hear him and he'll come running in to help him, saying his name and telling him to calm down.

The door does fly open, and someone does come rushing in, and someone is yelling his name. But it isn't Caspar.

"Joe honey, what's the matter?" Joe's mother asks, sitting up in the bed and holding him tightly by his shoulders, "Calm down."

Joe doesn't notice he's crying but his mum starts wiping tears of his cheeks with her thumbs, "What's wrong Joe?"

"M-my camera." Joe splutters, his shoulders quivering as he cries, "Where is it?" He asks.

"Honey, why do you need it?"

"To talk to Caspar." Joe answers, and doesn't understand the sorrowful look his mum gives him as she kisses his forehead lightly, 

"Love, your camera is in your suitcase. But Caspar can't see the videos sweetheart." Tracey says softly, her thumb stroking her son's cheek.

"Don't say that!" Joe cries, flinching away from his mother's touch, "Everyone keeps telling me that. Stop!"

"But you know it's true honey. I know it's hard to understand but it's true. Caspar is gone now." 

Joe is crying again, shaking his head which is covered by tears. "No. Caspar's not gone. He's not, not." 

"You went to his funeral honey. I know it hurts baby, but Caspar is gone now."

"It just." Joe sniffs and looks down at the bed's duvet, "It hurts so much mum." He says quietly, his head falling onto his mother's shoulder as he cries desperately, into her top.


	6. Voices

"Joe. Joe babe." Caspar's voice speaks quietly at Joe's side, "Baby get up."

Joe opens his eyes and everything looks white. "Caspar." Joe mutters, "Where am I?"

He feels Caspar take a hold of his hand, caressing his skin with his thumb. "It doesn't matter babe. You're here with me."

Joe looks over to Caspar now, his blue eyes glint with their usual spark, his hair looks lighter, whiter, in the light. He looks like an angel.

"Is this heaven Caspar?" Joe asks. He smiles softly up at the younger lad, blinks quickly. But as soon as he opens his eyes Caspar's gone and there's a high pitched squeaky noise in his ears,

"Caspar?!" He looks around the white space, which even blurs and becomes a grey, "Caspar don't leave me! Not again! CASPAR!"

With a start Joe is shaken awake. He's lying on the wooden floor of the bedroom, screaming.

"Caspar! Caspar come back."  
He feels arms around him. The coldness of the floor leaves his back and he feels as though he's floating in space. Then he feels a soft mattress against his body, it's warm and melts around him like open arms and he sobs brokenly into the pillow, hearing the door shut with a soft click.

Then he's asleep again.

 

"Hey Joe." Caspar's voice echoes around the room and Joe doesn't like it, "Babe I miss you. I'm lonely."

Joe opens his eyes, looks around the spare bedroom for Caspar but he isn't there. "I miss you too. Come back Caspar."

"I can't come back babe. You have to come to me."

"How?" Joe asks, closing his eyes and then he can see Caspar, smiling at him in the moonlight of his eye lids, 

"You know how. I'll see you soon baby." Caspar reaches over and kisses Joe's cheek, but Joe doesn't feel a thing.

"I love you Caspar." Joe whispers, then he's asleep again.

~

"Honey." Joe's mother combs her fingers through her son's hair, "Honey I've got you some food."

"I'm not hungry." Joe says quietly, no effort left to sound stubborn or angry.

"Baby, you need to eat you're fading away."

Joe rolls over to where his mum is perched on the edge of his bed "But then I can be with Caspar, right?" He looks up at his mum with large hopeful eyes.

Tracey's calm smile briefly falters, "Joe that isn't how it works sweetheart. Just eat this please, it's got your favourite marmalade on it." His mother says persuasively, holding out the slice of bread she'd got for him. She knew he hadn't eaten for ages, so he couldn't have a huge meal.

Reluctantly, and after a minute or so of staring at the plate with a gaunt look on his face, Joe takes the plate, and gingerly picked up the slice of bread, biting a mouse size piece off the crust. It's effort, to chew and swallow the bread, and it tastes of nothing, but Joe eats a tiny bit more anyway because his mother's watching and he doesn't like the feel of her stare.

Eventually, he pushes the plate aside on the bed having eaten about a third of it.

"Sure you don't want more?" His mother asks, picking up the plate. Joe shakes his head, lies back down and pulls the duvet back over his body, "Alright love." She gently kisses his forehead and then stands up and walks out the room.

The door shuts with a tap and Joe's alone again.

~

He isn't alone long enough though because he can hear him again.

"Joe. I miss you. Talk to me. Make me a video." Joe closes his eyes and can see Caspar looking down at him with round hopeful eyes and he looks so beautiful. With all his energy, Joe forces the covers off his body, tumbles out the bed onto the floor with a thump, and crawls over to his suitcase.

With a shaky hand, he tugs the zip, opening the case where, lying on the top of ironed, folded clothes, was his camera. Triumphantly, he picks up the camera, fingers fumbling over the object as he felt for the on button. 

He turned it on with a small successful smile, and presses record while he remains sitting on the floor.

"Hey Caspar." Joe says. His throat is still dry, his face pale and faded of life, but he's almost smiling, which somehow hurts his jaw. "How are you? Where are you? Are you in heaven now?"

He looks into the camera lens through his grey eyes, "I think I'll be there with you soon. I love you. I never ever told you did I? But I really, really love you. You're beautiful Caspar. And your voice. I can still hear you now. I love your voice. You told me to join you. I will Caspar. I'll see you soon. I love you, bye."

He blows a kiss towards the camera, then stops the recording. He looks over to his bed. It's really tall from where he's sitting on the floor and it's far away. So he lies down onto the hard wooden floor, clutches his camera in his right hand, closes his eyes, and he's asleep again.

 

"Joe what are you doing on the floor?" His mother asks, lifting the boy's thin figure from the ground and back on the bed as he stirs awake.

"I can hear him." Joe says staring emptily around the room, "He talks to me mum. He is still alive. He told me to make him another video, a-and I did."

Joe's mother says nothing, brushed her fingers through his knotted hair to calm him.

"He's beautiful, mum. His eyes hold oceans and all it's colours. Light shines in them. I love him. Maybe I could look for him. Maybe he is actually alive."

"Joe you're confusing yourself." His mum says quietly, "Caspar is dead sweetheart and you know it."

Joe swallows, nods and closes his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "I want him back now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo new chapter! Hope you're all enjoying it (Is that the right word considering how sad it is idk)


	7. Confusion

"Joe there's someone to see you." His mother says. 

Joe expects Caspar at first, but remembering what everyone kept saying, he guesses Oli, then his father or Zoe. But he doesn't recognise the young woman with a small smile and wavy brown hair cut at shoulder length. 

"This is Emma." Tracey explains, "She's going to talk to you."

"About what?" The only Emma he knows is his and Caspar's daughter and this is definitely not her.

But his mum walks away, leaving Emma standing in the doorway.

"So you must be Joe." She says, pulling out a chair at the side of the room by a small wooden desk. Joe nods, forces himself to sit up. "How are you feeling Joe?"

"Tired." Joe answers, "And sad."

"Okay." She writes something down on a clipboard and crosses her legs, "Do you know why you're sad?" She asks.

Joe shrugs, "My best friend is gone."

"Who was he?"

"His name is Caspar. But I- I love him. I never got to tell him though." Joe says quietly, his voice drifting to a mutter.

"Do you think he loved you?" She asks.

Joe wonders why she even cares and why she's asking but he needs to tell someone, "I think so, but when he told me I'm his everything I freaked out and just said that when he kissed me it meant nothing. And then, and then, he was kind of sad, and I wanted to kiss him again but he just fled from the house. Then-then the police said they found that body." 

"How did that make you feel Joe?" She asks, looking at him and Joe can feel the sympathy burning off her eyes.

"I, empty, I guess. Without Caspar I have nothing." Joe doesn't want to cry but he can feel the tears scraping at his throat. "But then I was angry because Caspar isn't dead."

"Do you still think that?" Emma asks, noting something else on her clipboard.

"I don't, I don't know. I thought he was alive, then at his funeral everything was suddenly real. But now I can hear him. He talks to me."

Emma's eyes flicker with something Joe doesn't understand, "How does he talk to you?"

"I don't know." Joe answers after a while, "I can just hear him, and I can see him every time I close my eyes."

Emma nods, "Do you like hearing him?"

Joe nods, "It makes me know he's still alive. I love him."

"Do you say things to him, do you write him notes of some kind?"

"I make vlogs for him." Joe admits, "But everyone wants to take my camera. They don't want me to use it."

Emma nods, writes more on her clipboard, "Well you can use your camera to say how you're feeling, do you do that?"

"I tell Caspar how much I miss him." Joe answers.

"Okay. That's alright, but remember that your friend can't see them or hear them." Emma answers, "Does it make you feel better, to vlog everything?"

Joe nods, "It means I can talk to somebody."

~

Joe eats that day, it's only a small bowl of soup with bread on the side, but it's his favourite soup, and he doesn't eat all the bread. Then he gets in the shower. His feet ache as he stands on the shower floor, and he can feel the way the water ricochets off his back. But he feels a little better.

"Mum!" Joe calls downstairs once back in his bed later that day. His mother rushes up immediately.

"Yes honey?"

"Can we visit Caspar's grave?"

Tracey's face falters, thinking about the question, "Are you sure that's a good idea baby?"

Joe nods, "I want to see it for real."


	8. Graveyards

There's a strong wind as Joe clambers out his mother's car. It's strange. The air around him, pulling at his jeans and ripped green jumper. His head hurts, and his eyes sting with water which the wind in the air had stirred up.

Then his mother is by his side, followed by Oli who rests a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"You don't have to do this Joe."

Joe shakes his head, "I want to see him."

They walk towards the graveyard, where a church looks down on them, cowering over them as they walk closer. Crows seem to watch from their place on the clock tower. 

It feels like hours as they walk through the graveyard towards Caspar's gravestone. It's in the middle of a row, a simple rounded gravestone with the words;

/Caspar Richard George Lee

A beloved friend, son and brother

24th April 1994 - 8th January 2016/

Joe drops to his knees, looks down at the grass and the flowers gently laid out in a rainbow of colours against the gravestone.

"We'll leave you alone for a bit buddy." Oli mutters as he and Joe's mother walk a little way a way in the graveyard.

"Hey Caspar. Is it really you?" Joe swallows more tears, "I, " He sighs shakily, "It doesn't feel real Caspar. There has to be a way to see you again." He sniffs, "Something isn't right, you know?"

"Of course I do Joe. Just be glad they spelt my name right." Caspar's voice replies.

Joe can hear it, all around him, echoing in his brain, but he can't see him. 

"Where can I find you Caspar?"

"You have to follow me Joe. You have to jump too." Caspar explains and Joe can feel whispers in his ear and it tickles. 

"Off the cliff?" Joe asks with a confused frown.

"Yeah you get it, babe? But shhh, don't tell anyone okay?"

Joe nods,

"It's our little secret okay JoJo." 

Joe nods again, "See you soon Caspar, I love you." He says, and looks at the grave stone again, closing his eyes for a moment.

He can feel the wind in his face, it's cool. He can hear trees rustling and traffic in the distance.

"Joe you okay?" Oli asks.

Joe nods, looks up at his friend with a small smile, "I want to go now."


	9. Cliffs

Joe waits until the early hours of the morning as the sun just begins to rise, when he gets up and throws on his mtv shirt and some shorts. He runs a hand through his hair, and looks around his room, sees the camera on the beside table.

 

"Hey Caspar." Joe says, looking into the camera. He speaks quietly, afraid to wake his mother. "I'm going to be with you soon. I can't wait to see you, Caspar, to tell you that the kiss meant everything. I want to tell you that I love you. And I will, very soon."

 

Joe puts the camera back down on his bedside table, wonders whether to take it with him. He decides he will, so that Caspar can see the videos. He picks it up, his hands shaking slightly from adrenaline.

 

He takes his wallet from his suitcase, where Oli had put it when packing him some clothes and quietly leaves the room. He hears the clock ticking to itself on the wall, and every movement seems as loud as a drum. He pads down the stairs and quickly puts on some shoes, before looking up at the door.

 

He pulls off the chain, keeping hold of it as it falls so as not to let it make a noise, and then slowly pushes down the door handle and opens the door. It makes no noise so Joe looks around his mother's house one last time, then steps outside. He closes the door behind him gingerly, letting it close with the softest click.

 

Joe walks quickly. It's a little cold and he didn't think to bring a jumper. He heads towards the train station, where he'll take a train. He isn't sure where yet. He can't remember if he was ever told which cliff Caspar jumped off, but a cliff's a cliff right? The nearest one isn't that far, he knows that.

 

When he reaches the train station, Joe remembers he actually has to talk to people. He frowns briefly, then forces on a smile, before walking into the queue for tickets, behind only three other people. He clutches his camera tightly in his right hand, holding it close to him in case someone should try and swipe it.

 

"Next please."

 

A woman speaks, alerting to Joe the fact that it's his turn. Trying not to look anxious, Joe walks up to the desk.

 

"Erm, a return ticket to the dover cliffs please." Joe says. He decides a single ticket sounds suspicious.

 

The woman none the less still looks at him quizzically, before handing him the tickets, "Take care of yourself." She says.

 

Joe brushes off the comment as he walks towards the station. He looks down at his ticket. The train leaves at 5:42am, he still has 20 minutes. He goes into the station shop and gets a coffee before heading out onto the platform.

 

He sits on a bench, holding his camera tightly in one hand, his coffee cup in the other. He sips it slowly, letting it burn his tongue. There aren't many people in the station, a few business men and women with briefcases, ready to step on the train to work. Joe shifts in his seat uncomfortably. He doesn't belong with this crowd.

 

He finishes his coffee with a couple of minutes before the train arrives, and puts the paper cup in the bin beside the bench he's sat on. He knows there'll be near to no one on the train at this time of morning, and it makes him look even more suspicious. So when the train arrives, he forces a smile, follows the crowd onto the train and sits in a carriage alone, pressing himself into a corner seat looking anxiously out the window. He fiddles with his camera, rotating it in his hands and tugging at the strap.

 

The journey seems to go on for hours and hours, but for once Joe finds himself unable to sleep. Eventually, the train stops at his station and he's one of the first to step off the train. It turns out, today is a nice day. The sun has just fully risen and is bright in a cloudless sky. It's hot and Joe runs a hand tiredly through his messy hair before walking out the train station.

 

He walks, almost in a trance, towards the beach, through the town. People and colours flash past his eyes as they walk in and out of shops on the busy streets. Cars and busses rush past him unnoticed. He keeps his head down, wanting no one to notice him. He could do without that. Somehow, he reaches the beach without anyone making so much as a second glance over at him.

 

It's a little windy at the beach, but it's just nice and refreshing and sweeps past Joe's face like a breath of fresh air. Still clutching his camera, Joe reaches down, picks up a pebble and throws it with all his strength into the sea. It falls a few metres away with a satisfying plop into the water, causing a ring of ripples. He stumbles along the sand and down to the edge of the sea. It's calm, for once. He always remembers this beach being colder and the waves being bolder. Maybe because he was so much smaller. Water laps up at his toes, unable to reach him through his trainers.

 

Joe hugs his camera tightly to his chest, and looks out over the sea. It's so vast, so empty, so big but so... _lonely_.

 

Feeling his feet sink away in the wet sand, Joe chooses to turn and walk back up the beach, heading across to the cliff walk. He isn't scared, but his heart is shaky and, ironically, on edge. It's a longer climb than Joe remembers, up the sides of the cliff, but it's just as beautiful as he can recall. Elegant little wild flowers embedded in the short grass, and views overlooking the sea on one side, but the other overlooking the town and endless countryside.

 

"Beautiful huh?" Caspar's voice finds its way back into Joe's head, like an itch he can't quite reach, "But you wanna know something Joe?" The voice whispers gently, "You're even beautifuller."

 

Joe smiles to himself, "That isn't a word." He mutters quietly, his voice getting lost over the air and the sea.

 

"Of course it is, Joe." Caspar objects, a small tease of a smile in his voice and it's so real to Joe it makes his head hurt. "I said it."

 

Joe soon finds himself near the cliff edge, there's a wire fence following along the edge so no one falls (or jumps, but it won't make a difference to him). Joe climbs it with ease, and drops onto the other side. He can hear the waves crashing against the cliffs below capturing parts of the rocks into the sea. He doesn't look down at it though. He sits against the edge on a secure bit of rock and turns on his camera, lifting it up to film.

 

"Hey honey." Joe says quietly, he's lost his energy now, "I'm here." He turns the camera around capturing the view of endless sea. "It looks, it looks really beautiful, up here Cas. You'd love it. The waves almost shine as much as your eyes do."

 

Joe turns the camera downwards, filming his feet and the waves beneath him, "It looks a little scary down there though." He looks at it only through his camera screen, "Does it hurt, when you hit the bottom?"

 

Caspar doesn't answer him though.

 

"It looks painful down there." He frowns to himself. "But it's the only way to see you again so it's okay." Joe turns the camera back so it faces him, "I'll see you soon then, Cas. I'm taking my camera, so I can show you the videos. I think they're kind of sad. I've been so sad without you. I can't wait to see you."

 

Joe's voice cracks at his final sentence and turns off the camera, letting it sit in his lap. He shuffles slightly against the grassy ground and looks down. It's strangely nauseating, watching waves go in and out of your eyes' focus below your feet.

 

"JOE! NO."

 

Joe turns sharply at the sound to see his mother standing a little way off on the other side of the fence.

 

"Joe, baby, come back don't do it."

 

Joe looks back over at the water, then at his mum and suddenly his head is throbbing and he doesn't know how to move or breathe or blink or think.

 

"Joe!" Slowly his mother walks closer, still on the other side of the fence, "Sweetheart this won't bring you back to Caspar."

 

Joe looks at her with confusion, "It will though! It's the only way."

 

Suddenly, his mother is leaning over the fence, looking down at him with tears rolling down her cheeks, "Honey, please." She holds out her hand, "Honey, come back this side of the fence and talk to me."

 

Joe looks at her hand, but doesn't reach for it, "I can hear voices mum! And I'm so tired, and all these voices, Caspar's voice, they're all whispers inside my head and I want them to go away. A-and I want Caspar to hold me again. There is no other way."

 

"Baby." His mother runs a hand lightly through his hair and it's so gentle he barely feels it, "What about dad, and Zoe. They'll miss you. I'll miss you. These things always hurt Joe but there is light somewhere. Please come here."

 

Joe shakes his head, looks out to sea again where a boat travels along the horizon. "I can't take the hurt anymore." He knows he's crying now and his throat sears with pains from so little water, "I just want Caspar."

 

"Caspar isn't down there though."

 

"HE IS!" Joe yells, "He is there and I need to be with him and only him."

 

"Okay but what if you were right baby." His mum says after a moment, "What if Caspar really is alive and that body wasn't his."

 

Joe falls silent, thinks back to seeing the body, the absence of dimple marks in his cheeks and softness of his arms and pinkness of his lips.

 

"But you all say it is him, that I'm just imagining it." Joe sniffs, his head spins.

 

"Maybe you weren't. Maybe you are right baby. You'll never know if you jump."

 

And Joe realises, as everything crashes down inside him, he has the power to push his body of the edge and that'd be it. But he can keep the little flicker of hope in his chest burning a little longer that Caspar is still okay and that maybe it would be enough to take him back home for good.

 

"Joe please love." His mum is crying and the sound confuses Joe, "Please don't leave me."

 

Joe nods, sniffs and looks up at his mum. He lifts up the camera, hands it too her. She puts it down by her feet.

 

"Come on now baby. I've got you."

 

Shaking, Joe lifts his feet away from the edge, swings them back onto the grass and scoots over to the fence. He takes his mum's hand in his and she grips him so tightly Joe physically stops shaking. She pulls him upright and helps him over the fence. He stumbles over it, falling into his mother's arms letting out a breath.

 

"It's okay baby." His mother whispers softly into his hair, "It's okay sweet heart, I've got you now. Let's go home yeah?"

 

And still trembling in his mother's grip, Joe nods.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter. Next one should be up within a week's time :)


	10. Home?

Joe's mother gives him chocolate ice cream, and it's nice, cold, refreshing in Joe's mouth but he doesn't eat it all, instead allowing it to melt in his bowl before swirling the spoon around in the gloop.

 

"Your father's coming up later Joe." His mother says from the other side of the sofa.

 

Joe doesn't show he's heard it, instead his focus remains of the liquid in his bowl.

 

"You'd like to see him, right Joe?"

 

Joe shrugs. Of course he'd like to see his dad, but he isn't Caspar.

 

"Hun." Joe's mum shuffles over, runs a hand through his hair. It feels nice, but he likes even more when Caspar does it, "Talk to me."

 

Joe leans his head on his mother's shoulder, "I know he's alive mum." He says softly.

 

"Yeah? How do you know that?"

 

"The body didn't look like him." Joe answers, looking down again at the brown sludge in his bowl, "I'd know."  
 

But Tracey doesn't say anything, just holds her son in a comfortable silence.

 

 

"Hey son." Graham says as Tracey let's him in the house to the lounge.

 

Joe looks up at him but stays silent. His father shifts uncomfortably, not entirely sure what to say, after all, after that morning a 'how are you' seems almost offensive. He sits awkwardly beside Joe and looks forward at the wall.

 

"Do you hate me?" Joe asks quietly.

 

"No why would I?"

 

"Didn't mum tell you, why Caspar ran, why he jumped. Did she not tell you how much I love him."

 

"Joe." His father rests a hand on his shoulder, "I've known you've been in love with that boy since you moved in with him you really think I care about that?"

 

"What?" Joe frowns. He himself didn't know he'd been in love with Caspar that whole time.

 

"Son, I know you, and I love you and I always will, you should know that by now you idiot."

 

And finally, Joe feels a smile tugging at his lips. "I love you too Dad." He answers.

 

And for the first time in a while, the hurt is almost forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of short but I'll post the next chapter on Saturday. By the way guys, listen to faded (Conor's cover or the original or whatever version doesn't matter) when reading this cause omg I think it relates a lot.
> 
> Thanks for reading this story, means a lot xx


	11. Counselling

"So Joe, tell me what happened yesterday morning." Emma says, sitting down opposite Joe, in the lounge this time for Joe finally gets out of bed.

 

Joe looks at her through suspicious eyes from his place in the arm chair opposite her. What he did and where he went yesterday was his business, not hers.

 

"It's okay, Joe, this is just between us. Tell me what happened."

 

"I-" Joe looks at her again, hesitates for a moment, "I wanted to jump. Like Caspar did."

 

Emma nods, and waits as if wanting him to continue.

 

"I didn't. My mum came. She said it wouldn't get me to see Caspar."  
 

"Is that what you thought then? That if you jumped off you'd see Caspar again?"

 

Joe nods. "But then I realised that he might still be alive. And he'll come home soon." He looks down at his lap and plays with his fingers.

 

"I-I'm sorry, why do you think that?" Emma frowns, obviously confused.

 

"When I saw the body, it just, it wasn't him." Joe replies. He doesn't like the way Emma pushes him for information, like being pinned helplessly against a wall as someone mugs you.

 

Emma doesn't respond to it, just nods and writes something else down on her clipboard. "Have you been using your camera still?" She asks.

 

Joe nods, "I still use it. But I don't really need to. I can hear him anyway."

 

"You hear him?"

 

Joe nods and looks at her with, suddenly, a shine of happiness in his eyes, "He talks to me." He explains, "But I can never see him." The light of his eyes disappears again.

 

"And you really think it is him. Not just your imagination?" She asks.

 

And deep down Joe feels an unsettling motion that it is just all in his mind. "No it's him." He insists.

 

"Okay." She writes more on her clipboard, a lot this time and Joe waits for her to finish anxiously.

 

"Is that bad?" He asks suddenly when she's stopped writing.

 

"What?"

 

"That I hear him, is it bad?"

 

"I'm- not sure." Emma answers nervously.

 

"Am I going crazy? Sometimes I feel like everyone is treating me that way. Am I insane?"

 

Emma looks at him, right at him and Joe wants to shrink away to nothing, beginning to wish he did jump after all.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow Joe, if everything goes okay today." She says, gathering her bag and standing up from the sofa.

 

"I am aren't I? I'm losing it." Joe looks at her with worry in his face.

 

Emma does not reply, only smiles meekly, then walks out.

 

 

~

 

"How are you today Joe?"

 

"As mad as ever." Joe responds because he just wants to know how insane he really is.

 

"Has Caspar spoken to you anymore?"

 

Joe shrugs. He doesn't want to talk to this woman anymore. Not now, not ever.

 

"Okay Joe, so I've given some pills to your mother-"  
 

Joe doesn't want to listen anymore. He wants to be back on that cliff, he wants to fall and he wants to disappear.

 

"Is that alright?" Emma asks.

 

Joe blinks at her blankly; says nothing.

 

"You okay Joe?" She asks.

 

"Would you be here if I was?"

 

~

 

"Okay Joe, how are the pills?"

 

"Gross." Joe answers. Pills aren't supposed to leave a taste but these do. It's chalky and they feel like sandpaper going down his throat.

 

Emma just chuckles, "Caspar said anything?"

 

Joe shakes his head, no, but it's a lie. Caspar had spoken every night to him, whispering small nothings to help him fall asleep. He's always there.

 

"How are you feeling?"

 

"Nothing." And it's almost true this time. But there's a dullness in Joe's stomach an empty feeling that fills him completely. A feeling of nothing but everything at the same time. "I feel nothing anymore."

 

She jots something else down on her clipboard. "Well this is the last session for a week now, do you think that's okay?"

 

Joe shrugs, looks down at his lap and plays with his hands.

 

Joe never wants to see anyone ever again.


	12. Friends

Joe is nervous. It's a strangely new feeling for him. It's been two weeks since he was going to jump. Two weeks of emptiness which only allowed space for his little flame of hope to see Caspar again spread inside of him.

 

His mother is taking him back to his and Caspar's flat and Joe is sure; sure, that Caspar is waiting for him there, lying on the sofa with a smile on his face and a glint in his eyes.

 

But Joe is disappointed when he walks in the front door and Oli and Josh sit on the sofa, Josh's head on Oli's shoulder.

 

"Mate!" Oli calls out, smiling at Joe.

 

Joe decides that although Oli's smile looks great, all smiling should be banned from now on.

 

He just looks at them, watches as Oli carefully gets off the sofa, letting Josh's head down onto the arm of the chair so he's lying across it. Oli pus Joe into a hug, but Joe stands frozen to the spot, looking at how Josh sleeps softly on the sofa.

 

"I told you, you love him." Joe says quietly as Oli pulls away.

 

Oli is confused, for a moment, then shakes his head, blushing, "No. No Joe, no. He just fell asleep, we were waiting for you actually."

 

"You love him." Joe says again.

 

"Joe, honey here's your luggage." Tracey says, dropping Joe's back beside the door. "Oh hello Oli, and Josh?" She adds peering up so she can see the sofa.

 

"He's asleep." Oli says, "But hi." He smiles at her and again, Joe believes it should be banned.

 

"If you need me call okay." Tracey kisses Joe's cheek softly, "You'll be alright here now baby. You're doing great."

 

"Mum stay." Joe grumbles, pulling at her arm,

 

"No love you're fine here now." She pulls him into a hug, "You wanted to come back."

 

"But Cas isn't here."

 

"Oh honey." His mother pulls away and cups his cheeks, "Caspar isn't the only person you live for sweet."

 

"Isn't he?" Joe asks. Everything he does revolves around Caspar and Caspar only, even he's aware of that.

 

"Yes hun, and hanging out with your friends will make that clearer okay."

 

Joe wants to say no but his mother always knows best so he reluctantly nods, hugs her one more time then let her walk out the house.

 

"Come on Joe, we can play fifa or something." Oli suggests.

 

"It's never fun without Caspar." Joe argues, "I'm tired, I'm going to bed, in Caspar's room." He says, grabbing his suitcase and wandering down the stairs to Caspar's bedroom. He falls onto Caspar's bed and looks around the familiar walls before his eyes grow heavy, and close shut.

 

~

 

"Morning Joe." Oli says, shaking his friend's shoulder lightly, "How you doing mate?"

 

Joe rubs his eyes and rolls over to face Oli, "I don't know."

 

Oli smiles sympathetically "It's good to have you back here though," He says.

 

"Really?" Joe asks.

 

"Yeah of course! Everyone's missed you." Oli says, "How about breakfast."

 

Joe shrugs, "I'm not hungry but you'll probably make me eat." Joe answers and forces himself to sit up.

 

"Josh is cooking bacon if you want some of that." Oli says. In response Joe only nods,

 

"I'll be there in a few minutes." Joe says, and Oli decides that's his queue to leave.

 

When Oli closes the door, Joe clambers out his bed, saunters over to his suitcase and fumbles through it for his camera. He finds it, tucked away in the sides of his clothes (in which his mum had packed). Shakily, he turns it on, pressing record and running a hand through his hair.

 

"Hey Caspar." Joe says, sitting back on the floor and frowning in the camera as he looks in the screen at the lighting (or the lack of it). "I, erm, as you can see I didn't actually jump o-off the cliff. My mum, err, she found me, and got me away. She told me that maybe you weren't really dead."

 

Joe pauses and looks around the room, "Now I'm back in your bedroom and I'm so confused. We were at your funeral and you were dead and I was going to die too but then you might not be dead again, and I could have been right all along-"

 

"Joe!" Oli walks in, "Joe, mate."

 

Joe looks up at him with wide eyes, "Leave me alone."

 

"Joe, please let me have the camera. You're stressing yourself."

 

Joe turns off the recording and looks down at the camera, blinking desperately because he can't cry again. He's cried too much. He shakes his head but feels Oli bend down and sit on the floor.

 

"Joe listen to me, yeah. If Caspar is alive, if he's still around then he'll come back eventually, no matter what he'll always come back to you. But right now, Caspar is dead to us, okay, we've said our goodbyes and we need to move on now."

 

Joe looks down at his lap his fingers scraping over his camera, "I just, I never told him how much he means, what if he thinks I hate him or something, or that I never really cared about him at all."

 

"Joe he didn't think that, of course he didn't." Oli says, "Caspar loved you, so much, Joe. He wouldn't want you lying around and crying and feeling so low. He'd want you to move on and be happy, don't you think?"

 

Joe looks up at his friend and nods, "But what if then he thinks I've forgotten him?"

 

"Everyone knows you'd never forget Caspar, and maybe a part of you will always love Caspar, but that's okay Joe, that's normal. But you can move on from him. You can be happy again." Oli pauses, looks at him, "So, if you give me the camera, we can help you get better again."

 

Joe hesitates, looks down at the camera in his lap, before picking it up, and slowly, hands the camera out towards Oli. Oli takes it.

 

"Thank you." He says, "Now, get dressed, breakfast will be ready soon."

 

Joe nods and watches as Oli gets up, pats his back, and leaves the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you guys think of Oli and Josh as a thing? Like, I think it's just an idea that Joe's mind plays with but I kind of ship them too so idk.


	13. Payphones

Joe hasn't been on his phone in weeks. After Caspar's funeral, he'd seen no point in wanting to contact anyone. But when Joe looks at it later that day, he notices all the messages from friends and family checking up on him.

 

Zoeee

-Joe would you like me to come over

-Joe don't shut me out

-Talk to me...

-Have you lost your phone?

-Joe of course it hurts, but you can talk to me about it

-Joe I'm worried

-You tried to jump?! Joe please answer

-Joe I love you 

 

Alfie

-Mate Zoe's worried about you

-Joe she's really upset and I know you are too, but talk to her about it

 

 

Troye

-Sorry about what happened mate, hope you're holding up, thinking of you

P.S I know you loved him

 

 

Tyler

-Babe, hope you're getting through this

-You know I'm kind of worried about you, you always reply to me. Look after yourself

 

 

Louise

-I know you loved him Joe, I'm so sorry. Praying for you and Caspar too.

-You're really not okay are you Joe.

-We're all here for you

 

 

Conor M

-Dude if you want me and Jack to come over we can

 

-Hey buddy how are, haven't heard from you, hope you're doing alright.

 

 

Mikey

-Joe Oli's worried about you

-I think we're all worried, you know?

-Get better buddy

-Caspar's in a better place now

-I'm really bad at this kind of stuff Joe, but yeah, hope you're okay, might come visit soon

 

 

Theo L

-Joe, my brother is dead, you know that right?

-It's hard to understand I know, but he's gone.

-Heard that you were in love with him

-Don't be too down Joe, he loved you too, more than anything probably

 

 

 Joe knows he has the most amazing friends but all the 'how are you's' are almost ridiculous. Of course he's not okay. He's about to reply to his sister when a random number flashes up on the screen. Joe looks over to where Oli and Josh were sitting, (in their own chairs which confused him because surely they were in love) then back at his phone and bites his lip. He isn't sure why but Joe knows this is important.

 

"I need the loo." He says, rushing off to the bathroom before the phone could stop ringing. He hurriedly locks the bathroom door and answers the phone.

 

"Err, Hello?" Joe calls when no one the other end says anything.

 

A shaky breath filters through the phone speaker followed by a trembling voice, "Joe."

 

Joe freezes, everything in his body stopping for a moment. Caspar.

 

"Joe? Are you there?"

 

"Casp." Joe manages to say, his throat dry and his voice hoarse.

 

"Joe. Joe thank god. I'm so so sorry but I'm coming home. I'm coming I really hope I can get there before he catches me again. But Joe if I don't, know that I love you-"

 

"Caspar where are you?" A small bit of rationality finding it's way back into Joe's brain.

 

"A payphone, look I cant be too long but I'm nearly back I swear. Look the phones about to die I've got to go."  
 

"No."

 

"I'll see you this afternoon, yeah?"

 

"Caspar I love you." Joe blurts, "I love you so much, come home."

 

Caspar says nothing for a little while then and Joe wonders if the line has gone dead, "I-I love you too Joe. I'll be home soon. Bye."

 

"Bye."

 

Then the phone line goes dead.

 

 

"Joe you okay?!" Oli's voice asks.

 

Joe opens the door with wide, strangely happy, eyes, "Caspar's coming home."

 

"What? Joe you know-"

 

Joe shakes his head, "He just called me. He'll be back this afternoon."

 

"No he didn't, Joe. Don't get your hopes up. He's gone and it's all your imagination. You hear voices Joe but they're not real okay?"

 

Joe shakes his head, "No this was real!"

 

"What's going on?" Josh asks.

 

"Caspar's coming home."  
 

Josh pauses as his heart misses a beat and sinks a little in his stomach. "He's not. Joe it's all in your mind, you have to stop this okay?"

 

Suddenly Joe's crying because he doesn't understand anymore and maybe he did imagine this but it felt so real. He could actually feel Caspar's breath on his neck through the phone speaker. He shakes his head, sniffing and wiping his eyes.

 

"It's real!"

 

Oli glances at Josh who looks back at him just as cluelessly,

 

"Joe." Josh says in a soft, childish voice, "As much as I want Caspar to come back. He isn't going to because he's in heaven now."

 

"NO!" Joe pushes past his two friends towards the stairs then turns back to them "Why do you not believe me?! I heard him! It was him! I know it was him! It had to be him, it had to be."

 

And he collapses against the wall, sobbing loudly because he doesn't even know his own mind anymore.


	14. Caspar

By the afternoon, Joe is lying on the sofa under a blanket, and Oli is in the kitchen, attempting to make dinner. Josh had gone home just before lunch and the house is strangely quiet.

 

There's a film on the television, Oli put it on but Joe's not entirely sure what it is. He can see people moving around the screen and shooting and he knows it's some kind of action, crime movie, but he isn't really watching it. His brain still hurts and nothing makes sense anymore. Then he hears the jangling of keys and he looks over to the door, then at Oli. Apparently, Oli hadn't heard but Joe watches as keys turn in the lock and the handle presses down.

 

Then suddenly time seems to stop.

 

Caspar stumbles in, ripped t-shirt, tired eyes, bruises along his neck and jaw, and a cut on his eyebrows. He tugs his keys from the lock and slams the door shut.

 

Then Oli hears him too and looks over from the kitchen, dropping the fork which was in his hands. Caspar looks at him in exhausted confusion then over to Joe, who is already off the sofa and running towards him.

 

Caspar stumbles backwards as Joe falls into his arms, crying quietly. And Caspar wraps his arms around Joe's body; holds him tightly, closing his eyes.

 

"Caspar I'm so sorry." Joe mutters, lifting his head from Caspar's body are a few moments, "I said, I said it meant nothing but it didn't I was just scared, and then they said you were dead and we went to your funeral and no one believed me that you were still alive and-"  

 

"Shhh, Joe." Caspar gives a small smile before pulling Joe back into his arms again; warm, tight, and _home_ , "It's okay."

 

Joe sniffs, tightens his arms around Caspar, his eyes shut tight. Caspar runs a hand through Joe's hair, slowly, and Joe hugs him tighter, eyes shut tight.

 

"Caspar..." Oli says from the kitchen, "What the fuck mate?!"

 

Caspar looks up at him through desperate, exhausted eyes, "I-it's hard to explain and I don't really want to talk about it right now."

 

"I can't believe- Caspar, Joe has barely left his bed. We thought you were gone, he was, he was completely broken."

 

Caspar's eyes furrow and he looks back at the boy he holds tightly, "I-I'm sorry, I didn't choose to, be away for so long."

 

Joe lifts his head then and their eyes meet and Joe drowns in the blues of Caspar's, "It's okay Caspar." He says softly, eyes tired but there's colour in them again, "You're home."

 

"Have you seen anyone else Caspar, Josh or your parents?" Oli asks.

 

Caspar shakes his head, "I-I'm surprised I even made it through this door."  

 

"How do we tell them?"

 

"Can we wait till tomorrow Oli?" Caspar begs, burying his nose briefly into Joe's hair and sniffing. He'd missed that smell, the smell of _Joe._ "I'm exhausted."

 

Oli looks at him through thoughtful eyes. "Well, I mean, I guess but they're family Caspar they should know."

 

"Stop Oli, let him sleep." Joe interrupts, "Come on, I'll stay with you." Joe takes Caspar's hand and clatters down the stairs to Caspar's room.

 

"Wait-Joe have you slept in here?" Caspar asks as they walk through the door, looking at the case at the side of the room and the messy bed sheets.

 

Sheepishly, Joe nods, "I missed you."

 

Caspar just smiles and follows Joe to the bed, taking of his shoes and trousers. Joe watches him, the way his hands pull down his trouser material and the way he shifts and sits on the bed before lifting the covers, climbing in beside Joe. Joe looks at his eyes, the cut on his eye brows, down at his lips as a sigh rolls out of them.                                

 

"I'm sorry for everything Joe. Being gone for so long I-I would have come back if I could and, I'm sorry for running out the house that night and I'm sorry for kissing you-"

 

"Caspar." Joe giggles slightly and looks up at him, "It's okay. Just, please don't leave me ever again, please." Caspar nods, "Good. Now cuddle me?" Joe rolls over, letting Caspar spoon him from behind.

 

His arms are gentle and he holds Joe only loosely, but the touch relaxes Joe and he feels like crying, because Caspar is back, and Caspar is here, lying beside him, and Joe is wrapped in his arms, where he belongs and everything seems a little better again 

 

"Joe?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"You still mean everything to me."

 

Joe's head suddenly feels blurry and he can feel blood pulsing through his brain, "You mean everything to me too." And he doesn't want to cry but silent tears escape his eyes and roll down onto the pillow and bed sheets, "Caspar?"

 

"Yeah?" The blonde whispers into Joe's neck,

 

"W-will you be here when I wake up?" Joe's voice breaks a little as his throat wells with more tears, and he swallows desperately.

 

"Yeah. I promise."

 

And Joe's finally smiling and crying happy tears as he falls asleep peacefully in Caspar's arms, and it's like nothing had happened in the first place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoop! So Caspar's alive but this is no where near the end yet. Hope you're all enjoying the story so far (even if your heart has broken in two). I'll update probably midweek idk.


	15. Explanations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Vague mentions of rape. Don't read if you don't like it.

When Joe wakes up, Caspar is gone and he's alone in bed.

 

No, no, no, no, no.

 

Joe rolls over and around the room which is swimming with light, the blind pulled up.

 

"Caspar!" Joe yells, "Caspar! Please don't leave me." And Joe wonders if he was dreaming the entire time and Caspar never came home and never called his phone and is still dead and buried. "Caspar." He chokes on tears and he barely hears the door flying open.

 

"Joe." Caspar sighs, bending down to the smaller lad's level as he lays on the bed. And he's slightly frightened as he watches the boy sob and shake. "Joe I'm here, I'm sorry, shhhh." Caspar runs a hand through Joe's hair almost tentatively, wipes the tears from his cheeks as Joe's crying slips away to silence and his body stills from shaking.

 

"I thought you'd gone again, you promised you'd be here."

 

Caspar sighs and can't help but notice the difference in the older boy's voice. The softness and vulnerability, and how strangely... Young and broken it sounds, "Oli wanted to talk to me, and I wanted to shower. I haven't showered in so long."

 

Joe sniffs and nods, "I just can't lose you again." He whispers, lacing his finger's through Caspar's hair, which was still slightly damp from his shower. "What did Oli say?"

 

"He wants me to call my mum, and sister, and dad and Josh." Caspar sighs and looks at Joe, "And he told me what's happened to you."

 

Joe slowly withdraws his hand from Caspar's hair and look down at the bed sheets, "What has happened to me Caspar?" He asks softly.

 

Caspar looks at him with a lump in his throat and stinging eyes and he wants to say something but he really doesn't know.

 

"I've gone insane because of you haven't I? It's just, nothing is good without you, nothing has colour or light and nothing's fun when you're gone." Joe explains.

 

"Joe, shuffle." Caspar says, lying on the bed as Joe obliges and shuffles backwards, "I really regret leaving you that night Joe."

 

Joe nods, and shuffles closer, resting his head in Caspar's chest. "I regret saying the kiss meant nothing." Caspar wraps an arm around Joe and plays with his hair.

 

"Caspar?" Joe says softly into Caspar's t-shirt.

 

"Yeah love?" Caspar asks, the nickname rolling off his tongue but Joe only smiles.

 

"W-what happened?"

 

"What happened when?"

 

"When you ran away that night, what happened to you?" Joe asks, feeling Caspar tense.

 

"I erm." Caspar sits up a bit and Joe follows suit, still leaning his head on Caspar's chest.

 

"It's okay if you don't want to say." Joe says, and looks up at Caspar.

 

"No I need to tell you. It's just- what happened to me was-" Caspar sighs and looks away from Joe over to the bedroom door, "When I left, I didn't really know where to go." Caspar says, "And it was raining and all I was thinking was that I needed a drink. So I found myself in a bar and I got drunk pretty quick and I remember-dancing, with this guy. He was shorter than me, with brown hair and I guess he just kind of looked a tiny bit like you and we were dancing and then he wanted to take me back to his place."

 

"Did you?"

 

"I didn't really want to. He was kind of- invasive and he kept touching me and I didn't like it but then I thought of you at home and I remembered how you said I meant nothing to you- I know you didn't say that, I was just drunk and my mind was fuzzy- and I thought maybe this guy would care even more and I could pretend he was you. So I went."

 

Caspar stops talking and Joe doesn't realise he's crying until the blonde sniffs and moves his arm from Joe to wipe his eyes. And Joe's heart aches for Caspar.

 

"What happened?" Joe asks, looking up at his roommate and wiping the tears from his cheeks with his thumb.

 

"That night, I mean, it was my fault I guess, for getting so wasted but he, you know. But he wasn't gentle and it hurt Joe and I didn't want to move again.

 

"But he came in again that morning and I told him I should go home now and I was sorry but he wouldn't let me leave and he did- it again and it hurt so much and I was so scared because he just wouldn't listen when I told him to stop." Caspar sniffs, looks down at Joe who looked back at him sadly. "I just wanted to go home." He looks away again, "I wanted to be with you again, even if you hated me for kissing you."

 

Joe shakes his head, "I'd never hate you."  
 

"It went on for weeks Joe. Months even." Caspar wipes his eyes again, "He locked me in this room and gave me food and water and yeah it was good food and he let me use a bathroom on schedule but you know, I could barely walk to it. He'd make me bleed, Joe. It hurt so much. It still hurts. And he- r-raped me, sometimes 3 times a day"

 

Joe isn't sure what to say but takes Caspar's hand in his, and they lie there silently, holding one another.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, I know this is late, very late, but I was ill during the week last week and then I was out Friday evening for a meal and then Saturday all day in London. So I had to do homework and revision the entirety of Sunday, and no time to upload the next chapter. But here it is :) Also thank you so much for 1k reads already it means a lot x


	16. Reunions

Josh comes round to the house that day and Oli has to stop him walking in Caspar's room to check on Joe.

 

"Listen there's something I need to tell you." He says, leading him upstairs again and gesturing for him to take a seat on the sofa.

 

"So, Joe wasn't wrong yesterday."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Caspar did call him."

 

Josh looks at Oli blankly for a moment, "What?"

 

"Caspar's alive and Caspar's here."

 

"No." Josh shakes his head, "How can he-"

 

"I'm not sure but he says he didn't have a choice and he would have come back if he could." Oli says.

 

"Is he with Joe?"

 

Oli nods and grabs Josh's wrist as he stands. "Josh don't do anything stupid."

 

Josh pulls his wrist out of Oli's grip, "I won't." He answers, rushing down the stairs.

 

 

"I'm so sorry Caspar it's all my fault." Joe whispers eventually, sitting up slightly and looking up at the blonde through regretful eyes.

 

"No Joe. It's not your fault at all, don't say that. I overreacted."

 

The door opens then and Joe and Caspar look over to see Josh, wide eyed in the doorway. He leans against the doorframe,

 

"Caspar oh my god."

 

The blonde slowly got up from the bed over to his childhood friend, pulling him into a hug. Joe watches as Josh cries into Caspar's shoulder.

 

"Caspar where have you been?" Josh asks, "We thought you were dead man, does your mother know?"

 

Caspar pulls away from Josh and shakes his head, "Only you, Oli and Joe know. I'll tell everyone today I just, I was so tired yesterday Josh I wanted to sleep."

 

Josh looks at his friend with a frown, wanting to argue but there's a look in Caspar's eyes, an exhausted look that stops him.

 

"So, where have you been then?" Josh asks, glancing over at Joe who's looking down at the covers and picking at them.

 

"It's hard to explain, I'll tell you and Oli both together later yeah?"

 

Josh sighs, but pulls Caspar into another hug, holding him tightly. "We held a funeral for you Caspar, we buried a body that wasn't even yours."

 

"I said it wasn't him, I said and no one believed me." Joe pipes up, "I knew it wasn't you Caspar. I'm surprised your mother couldn't tell."

 

Caspar smiles a little as he looks over at the elder, "How could you tell?"

 

"Your hands didn't feel right and the body didn't have dimples in his cheeks, I could tell even when the body was really smashed up. I knew it wasn't you. And the body's lips too, they were- they weren't like yours. And I tried to tell them, I tried to tell everyone but they wouldn't listen."

 

"Did you know?" Josh asks, "Did you know we all thought you were dead?"

 

Caspar closes his eyes, nods in a small movement, "He told me, yeah."

 

"He?"

 

"I'll tell you later Josh."

 

"Guys." Oli says reaching the bottom of the stairs, "I've made some breakfast if you want to come."

 

"Josh you go, me and Joe will be there in a minute." Caspar says, watching as the two walk off.

 

"I think they're a couple." Joe says, "Oli says they aren't but I saw them hold hands once and Josh fell asleep on Oli's shoulder once. They'd be cute."

 

Caspar smiles a little as he perches at the end of the bed, "I think they would be cute together yeah. But they aren't dating Joe."

 

"How can you know?"

 

Caspar shrugs, "I don't know they just, it, Oli is the straightest guy."

 

Joe just nods and smiles as Caspar runs a hand through Joe's hair. "Will you stay with me? When I tell them what happened to me?"

 

Again, Joe nods, "Yeah." his stomach grumbles then, "Can we get food?"

 

"Yeah, get dressed first. How come there's a suitcase by the way?" Caspar says.

 

"Oh, I was at my mum's for a bit." Joe answers, catching the clothes Caspar chucks at him from the closet. "Your clothes are too big for me." He pouts but takes off his current Caspar shirt, replacing it with the one Caspar had just tossed him.

 

"I think those jeans are yours though." Caspar replies, quickly chucking on his own shirt then pulling on some trousers.

 

Caspar's right, the ripped jeans fit Joe fine, and are definitely not Caspar's, but neither of them really question how they found themselves in Caspar's wardrobe.

 

"Okay, let's go." Caspar takes Joe's hand as they walk out the room.

 

Josh and Oli sit at the table, Josh poking Oli with a fork and smiling a little. And Caspar never noticed it before but yes, Josh and Oli really would make a good couple. Beside them were two other plates, covered with a full English breakfast (Joe with a smaller portion due to how little he'd been eating).

 

"Wow. I haven't had good food for ages." Caspar sighs, sits down in front of the larger plateful as Joe sits beside him.

 

Joe's hungry, he decides, and eats quickly, and the food finally tastes nice and he really likes it. His legs swing under the table, accidentally nudging Caspar's which only nudged him back. Joe giggles and a foot war erupts underneath the table.

 

"Caspar." Joe whines, kicking back at the blonde causing him to groan and retaliate.

 

"What are you guys doing?" Oli asks with an eye roll.

 

Caspar shrugs, Joe ignores him, resuming to his food.

 

After breakfast, Josh calls Caspar's mum, telling her to prepare for a miracle and head to Joe's apartment, also telling her to get Theo to come as well.

 

"How do we tell all the fans?" Caspar asks. "I can't just randomly upload a video."

 

Joe lifts his head from Caspar's chest, "We could all tweet that a miracle's happened or we're really happy or, just received the best news ever and then it will prepare people a little."

 

Caspar smiles, runs a hand through Joe's messy hair, "You're smart." Joe just smiles back.

 

"I could tweet now. I haven't tweeted in ages." Joe says, getting out his phone and opening twitter. He doesn't look at his mentions, worried of what they would say but immediately types a new tweet,

 

@Joe_Sugg: It's a miracle!

 

Then closes the app. He feels Caspar kiss his forehead and he smiles softly. He quickly sends Zoe a text.

 

I was right Zo! I was right all along!

 

He receives a text back almost immediately.

 

Zoe: Joe! What do you mean?

 

Joe: Caspar's back!

 

Zoe doesn't reply for a few moments but notices Oli texting someone and frowns. Did his sister not believe him?

 

Zoe: Wow Joe that's amazing. Where was he?

 

Joe: I know what happened but I don't think he'd want me to tell you. Soz.

 

Zoe: It's okay Joe. Me and Alfie will come over soon though! xx

 

Joe: Can't wait! xx

 

Joe puts his phone away and cuddles closer into Caspar's side.

 

"So, Caspar." Josh says, "You want to tell us where you were?"

 

Joe can feel Caspar tense and Joe sits up and looks at him, taking a hold of his hand. Caspar takes in a small breath, squeezes Joe's hand and begins to explain what had happened once again, Oli and Josh listening quietly, not interrupting once. And there were parts that Caspar struggled to say, playing with Joe's hand for a few moments and closing his eyes, and then carries on. By the end he's crying, silently, resting his head on Joe's shoulder with Oli and Josh unsure what to do.

 

Soon after Caspar's mum arrives, and Caspar rushes into his mum's arms, his body shaking as he cries into her shoulder and she cries into his, followed by a greeting with Theo, and then a family hug. His step father is also there, and hugs him too.

 

And then Oli is by Joe's side on the sofa. "Sorry we didn't believe you mate." He says, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly.

 

Joe shrugs, "It's okay. He's home now." He says, watching as Caspar pulls away from his Mother's arms as she asks where he'd been.

 

Caspar runs his hand through his hair, and gestures for his mum to take a seat on the sofa that Joe is sitting on. Caspar sits besides her, pulls Joe close for comfort. Caspar's step dad and Theo sit on the other sofa, and Caspar once again goes through what happened. And it doesn't get easier, he discovers, in fact the more Caspar recalls it, the worse it gets, and he's soon letting go of Joe, and crying softly in his Mother's arms. His mother cries with him, and a tear escapes Theo's eye too.

 

"Do you know the man's name Caspar?" His mother asks, combing a hand through her sons hair.

 

Caspar nods "Dominic Jackson." He mumbles into his mother's clothes.

 

Joe looks at Caspar with a sadness in his eyes because he loves having Caspar back, of course he does, but he doesn't want him to be sad.


	17. Police

"But mum, it's fine, I got away." Caspar insists, reaching to pull the phone from her hand.

 

"Yes, Caspar but what if he finds you again? And you need an explanation when the police question where you've been while we buried someone else."

 

"It's okay Caspar." Joe says, tugging at his arm, "It'll mean you're safe."

 

Caspar sighs, wraps an arm around Joe and holds him, "I know, I know, I just, I don't want to tell so many more people what happened, I don't know if I can."

 

"I'll be there." Joe reassures, his arm around Caspar's neck. Caspar wants to explain that Joe wouldn't be allowed with him in a police interview but he says nothing, only hugs Joe tighter.

 

"Thank you love." He murmurs into his hair.

 

 

The police interview is hard, and Joe's worried as he waits outside because he wants to hold Caspar's hand and he wants to make sure he's okay. Caspar's mum waits too, rubs Joe's back.

 

"He'll be okay Joe."

 

Joe nods, "I love him so much." He says, "I'm so, I'm so happy he's here but he's been hurt and I hate that."

 

"I know sweetheart, me too."

 

Joe is in Caspar's arms as he walks out of the interview room. Caspar holds him tightly.

 

"Was it okay?" Joe asks as he pulls away, looks at the tear stains on Caspar's cheeks. He nods.

 

"It was okay."

 

"But you're crying." Joe remarks, wiping a tear from the taller boy's cheek.

 

"I know. But I'm okay." Caspar tries to smile at Joe but Joe knows Caspar too well and hugs him tightly again.

 

~

 

Dominic gets found eventually, and arrested. And Joe hopes the news would make Caspar smile and yes, he does notice him relax slightly and he gives Joe a watery smile that evening as they lay on the sofa, but he still isn't happy.

 

"Caspar." Joe frowns, shuffles over to the person he'd missed oh so much, "Caspar, you're sad still." Joe takes Caspar's hand in his own, kisses his knuckles. "I love you."

 

"I love you too Joe. I just, I'm scared." He drops his hand from Joe's and moves it back onto his lap instead, "So much has happened and sooner or later I'll have to face the whole world with this too."

 

"Don't worry about that for now." Joe murmurs, "It's just us now. Like before."

 

But even as Joe says it he isn't sure they can ever be 'like before'.

 

"Things have changed Joe. Things have happened, we can't go back to the past, not now." Caspar stares forward at the blank television screen.

 

Joe wishes he could go back to the past. "But we can be happy again right?" Joe sits up and looks at Caspar with wide pleading eyes.

 

Caspar's eyes shine slightly, but Joe isn't sure whether he imagined it or not. He hesitates, looks at Joe, really looks at him, "Right." He says eventually.

 

This time Joe can't identify the uncertainty in Caspar's voice the way he would have before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, so tomorrow, I'm going to post a new story, a Dan and Phil fic set in autumn. Idek I just wanted an autumn kind of project thing. I've written bout half of it so I'll post the first chapter tomorrow if you wanna read it.
> 
> Thank you for reading this though it means a lot. Xx


	18. Cameras

"Mate, look." Oli says quietly, for Joe is still sleeping downstairs and it took Caspar sometime to get him to sleep alone, "This is Joe's camera."

 

Caspar looks at it and frowns, "Why do you have it?"

 

"Joe, he used it to speak to you when you were gone." Oli explains, "And, they're really sad, mate, but I think you should see them." Oli hands him the camera, and Caspar takes it slowly, and looks at it.

 

"Are you sure?"

 

Oli nods, "They're for you and you should see them. Joe's been through a lot without you, and I think you should know about it mate. Anyway, I've got to go but I'll see you soon yeah?"

 

"Bye buddy." And Caspar pulls him into a hug because Oli is the most amazing friend and Caspar really hopes Oli knows that.

 

When Oli's left, Caspar turns on the camera, and hesitates for a while at the first video. Should he be doing this? He presses play.

 

"You'd have liked it there Caspar. Everyone was dancing and laughing and getting drunk. I didn't get drunk. It wasn't the same without you Caspar."

 

Caspar shifts on the sofa, watching as Joe drops his head slightly. And he looks so broken already but his voice, Caspar hadn't really noticed until now but Joe's voice had changed since he'd been gone. It'd almost become less mature, more innocent. And it's his fault.

 

"Come home Caspar." The words cut through Caspar like a knife and Joe is looking right at him through the camera lens as he cries. "I'm worried about you, and nothing's the same without you." Joe wipes tears on his sleeve and Caspar had never seen him look so small.

 

"I miss you. I'm sorry, about what I did, just, please, come home to me."

 

And God, what happened wasn't even Joe's fault, no. It was what Caspar did and how Caspar reacted and yet Joe blames himself. Caspar watches Joe, his tired eyes red ringed and his face thinner than it ever has been, as he stops the recording.

 

Caspar watches the next few videos, and he knows he's crying. He listens to Joe talk about the police finding the body, that his mum thought he was dead, that Joe was so sure Caspar was still alive. He watches Joe lash out at his camera, and watches Oli take him into his arms like a small child and he is suddenly so so much more thankful for Oli than ever before.

 

One of the videos has a black fuzzy screen. Caspar listens as Joe explains he's hiding, from Oli, from his sister. And he hears Zoe's voice call Joe in the background as Joe repeats again how certain he is that Caspar is alive. And his heart hurts as Joe says 'I love you' because, oh god, he loves Joe too and it hurts so much.

 

Caspar cannot deny, that in the next video, Joe looks a mess. He looks like he hasn't slept in weeks and there are still tear streaks on his cheeks as he tells Caspar (in a terribly scratchy voice) that he might join him. And that thought alone makes Caspar's heart break.

 

Joe wanted to die. Because of him.

 

And Caspar can barely watch the footage as Joe's legs swing around on the edge of the cliff and how dangerous that must have been. And he wishes with every part of him that he did not overreact that night, or that he did not try to kiss Joe at all and maybe then everything would still be okay. And he wouldn't have been... Hurt. And Joe wouldn't have tried to die and they would be smiling at each other right now, somewhere in another world.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

Caspar jumps, turns around to see a shivering Joe, in a warm, thick jumper, standing at the top of the stairs.

 

"C-Caspar, you weren't there, when I woke up. Caspar I thought."

 

Leaving the camera on the sofa, Caspar stands up, walks over to where Joe, in his limp body, stands, pulling at the ends of his jumper sleeves, and hugs him tightly.

 

"I'm so sorry Joe." Caspar whispers, one hand cradling Joe's head and the other around his waist so tightly he's surprised he does not break the smaller figure.

 

"I-it's okay." Joe says, his small hands clutching at the fabric of Caspar's shirt, "Just don't leave me alone in the bed again."

 

"No, not just for that, I mean, everything." Caspar says pulling away slightly so he can look at Joe, at his eyes and lips and exhausted face and messy hair, "For running out, leaving you."

 

"Caspar." Joe sighs, hands still on Caspar's chest because Caspar is so much warmer than anything else on these cold April mornings, "Caspar I have said this too much, but it is not your fault. It is mine and you should not apologise."

 

Caspar looks at Joe, looks at every feature because Joe will always be the most beautiful person and he wants to remember every part of such beauty, "Then maybe, maybe we should stop apologising to each other, and blaming ourselves now."

 

Joe nods, and a small smile plays at the corner of his lips as he looks up at Caspar and at his bright shimmering blue eyes that he thought he would never see again. "Okay." Joe says, "But Caspar?"

 

"Yeah Joe?"

 

"I love you."

 

Caspar smiles, for the first time in a while and he wants to kiss Joe's lips but that scares him a little. So he presses his lips ever so softly against Joe's forehead, letting the touch linger for some moments, "I love you too Joe. I love you so much."

 

Joe is smiling to then, and taking Caspar's hand to drag him to the sofa. "Hey. Isn't that my camera?" He asks with a frown and picks it up from the sofa.

 

"Yeah, I, Oli said I should watch the videos."

 

Joe drops Caspar's hand and sits down on the sofa, clutching his camera, "Oh." He says.

 

"I wasn't sure if I should or not but-"

 

"I-it's okay. I mean, I did make them for you. They're just, kinda... Sad."

 

Caspar nods, "I know love." The blonde pulls Joe closer and he's never felt so at home. "I know."


	19. Announcement

Caspar stares at the camera screen, watches the minutes in the corner of the screen run up into the double figures. He looks at the picture of him, staring at himself and blinks once. Twice.

 

"H-hi, guys." Caspar looks away from the screen and at his hands, fumbling over each other in his lap, then at the walls, the front door he'd fled through _that night,_ then at the window. He turns his attention back to the camera, eyes meeting the lens and his eyes casting over the time _15:34s._ "I-I know, I've been away." He swallows a lump in his throat, closes his eyes, only for a moment, "A-and I know, a lot of you thought I was," Another pause, another glance around the room, "I know a lot of you thought I was dead."

 

He shakes his head, shifts on the sofa and wonders, again, why he chose to film here, and not in his room. Only Joe is sleeping there, curled up under the covers, at peace, with Caspar's gentle words "I'll be upstairs if you need anything" left in his mind.

 

 _24:18s_.

 

"But, I-I'm not, obviously. A-and I know a lot of you want to know what happened, and I do want to tell you." _But I also really do not._

 

Suddenly the blank tv screen is more gripping than a film, and the dirty dishes over loaded in the kitchen sink are something Caspar should really be doing. And the light streaming through the window, white and blinding, is the most beautiful view.

 

"I want to tell you." Caspar repeats, closing his eyes tight, "I want to tell you." He opens his eyes again

 

 _32:41s_.

 

_I want to tell you._

 

Caspar let's out a choked sob and looks up at the camera. The time ticks away.

 

_I want to tell you but I can't, I can't. And I'm weak and pathetic and useless and I've caused so much hurt and it's all my fault._

 

Caspar stands up, turns off the camera through blurred eyes.

 

 _38:24s_.

 

Leaving the camera, balanced on the books on the coffee table, he wanders down the stairs and stands for a while outside his bedroom door.

 

Wiping his eyes, he slowly opens the door, "Joe?" He says quietly, in case the brunette is asleep.

 

He is. Caspar can see his hair tussled, messy against the pillow, a hand outstretched beside his face. His legs were tangled in the covers, one over the duvet one under it. Caspar sighs and creeps over to him, gently clambering onto the bed beside him.

 

The room is dark, the curtains closed and Caspar wonders if Joe ever did anything but lie in the dark while he was gone. The shorter lad looks beautiful when he sleeps, Caspar had always known that. Tentatively, he reaches out, fingertips lightly brushing Joe's cheek, soft and warm under his touch.

 

Joe jumps awake then, face scrunching up for a moment before he opens his eyes.

 

"Sorry, I-"

 

Joe smiles softly, almost a grin as he shakes his head, "It's okay. Just made me jump." Joe frowns then, "Have you been crying?"

 

Caspar wonders how he could possibly tell from the lack of light in the room, "I, yeah I." He looks away from Joe then, and his sparkling eyes and soft gaze, "I was trying to film a video, of what, you know, what happened, but I, I couldn't."

 

Caspar picks at the duvet, feeling Joe watching him with a pitying look. He doesn't deserve pity, especially from Joe.

 

"Hey." Joe rests his hand over Caspar's, watching as Caspar's hand relaxes at the touch, and their fingers intertwine one by one. Caspar glances at Joe, melts under the soft gaze. "You don't have to make a video, Caspar." He says quietly, as though someone is listening. "Or at least you don't need to film yourself. Just do a written video. People would understand."

 

Caspar nods, "But, I don't know if I can write it. I want to, I want them to know but-"

 

"Caspar." Joe sighs, squeezes Caspar's hand tightly in his own, "Caspar it's okay. They would understand if you can't. It's okay."

 

Caspar blinks quickly to clear tears but they only fall faster and they drop slowly onto Joe's hand and some on the duvet.

 

"It's okay, hey, Caspar, Caspar." Joe drops the blonde's hand, instead pulling Caspar into his arms, hugging him close as the boy sobs into his shoulder.

 

"I'm so scared Joe."

 

Small hands comb though Caspar's hair, and rub his back. And soft words, sweet nothings are whispered against Caspar's neck but he doesn't listen to the words only the sounds and the feel of Joe's breath. And he cries.

 

 

Joe helps him with his video. In the later hours of the evening both of them sit at the table, and Caspar writes, and Joe types the words onto a black background. No animation or transitions. A simple video. White writing on a black background. The truth. But they choose not to mention the kiss; the cause of everything.

 

 

Caspar uploads it afterwards, as Joe's hand squeezes his other hand in reassurance and kisses it softly.

 

"I love you." Joe says, and they lie close under the bed sheets as the sun begins to climb the sky, and if either of them cared that their sleeping schedule is totally out of place, they did not mention it as they fall asleep under a sunrise teaming in through the curtains.

 

 

_Hey, guys._

 

_I wanted to film but I was scared._

 

_Just wanted you all to know, that I am alive, and well (enough),_

 

_I'm okay and I want you to know what's happened._

 

_I went to a bar, met this guy and he took me to his house. And he,_

 

_Yeah,_

 

_He raped me._

 

_And he didn't let me go home. For months and he kept hurting me, in many ways._

 

_Somehow I got out and I'm safe and I'm okay._

 

_I'm sorry I can't explain properly. I hope you all understand, you all mean so much to me and I'm sorry if I upset any of you._

 

_Thank you, for sticking with me, you're the best fans._

 

_I hope you'll respect my privacy for now but I'll be good soon._

 

_Thank you._

 

_Love, Caspar._

 

 

When Joe awakes, Caspar is still tucked into his arms, breathing slowly into his neck. He moves backwards, carefully, steadily, and watches as Caspar stirs, and looks up at him through blinking eyes.

 

"Caspar." Joe says softly, hand on Caspar's jaw, thumb caressing his cheek, "I love you." He breathes and watches as Caspar smiles softly and nods.

 

"I know, Joe. I love you too." And his hand rests over Joe's and they watch each other for a moment.

"Do you know what time it is?"

 

Joe shakes his head, rustling it against the pillow. "Time is pointless." Joe says in response, shuffling closer to Caspar and burying his face into the blonde's shirt. He smells Caspar's scent warm and fresh and he smiles.

 

"Joe our sleep schedule..."

 

"Don't care." Joe replies, his words muffled into Caspar's shirt.

 

"Joe." Caspar smiles though, and wraps his arms around the smaller boy's figure, running his hand gently along his side. "You mean everything to me Joe, you know that."

 

Joe almost winces at the familiarity of the words but nods against Caspar's chest. He looks up at the blonde then, and he almost wants to kiss him, like _that night_. "You mean everything to me too."

 

And he suddenly feels shaky, because, god, Caspar does mean everything to him and if only he'd have said that on _that night_ and when he lets a tear fall, it washes his face with guilt and regret until he's crying. Crying into Caspar's arms as though Caspar was gone again and his mind is blurry with memories of calling and calling, and calling Caspar and getting his voice mail message and nothing else. And his brain is foggy but he can see clearly, Caspar walking out the door, slamming it behind him, and he can see his eyes fill with sadness, and his lips fall out of a nervous smile and Joe cries more.

 

"Joe. Joe stop, it's okay."

 

"I thought you were gone, Caspar! We thought you were gone forever, and all I had to say was that and you would have stayed and you wouldn't have- you wouldn't have-" His voice flickers away into sobs and Caspar's holding him tighter.

 

"Joe, Joe, Joe. We said we wouldn't blame ourselves. It's happened but we're going to forget it all now, and we're going to be happy again." Caspar kisses Joe's head, "And we're going to get through this, and be t-together, properly, and we can tell the world one day and it will all be better."

 

Joe sniffs and nods against Caspar's body. "I-I know, I just. I was losing my mind without you Caspar. Losing my mind."

 

Caspar nods too, kisses Joe's forehead, "We'll get better."

 

_We'll get better._


	20. Holiday

It's the Maynards' idea. Having barely seen Joe, or Caspar since he'd come back, they decided there must be something to make up for it.

 

A holiday.

 

A relax for all of them, for Joe and Caspar to be themselves again, like before. And for Josh and Oli to relax and not run around like supportive parents anymore. It seemed right.

 

"I don't want to go." Joe says quietly when Caspar tells him the plan. "I want to stay here."  
  
"Joe. We haven't left the house this whole week. Josh bought us our shopping. We need fresh air. This will be good."

 

"No!" Joe lifts his head from his best friend's shoulder (not that they were only best friend anymore). His eyes are wide and crystal coloured. "Last time you walked through that door," His voice falls quiet again, "You never came back."

 

"Joe." Caspar sighs and runs his hand through the brunette's soft hair, "I did come back though. And this time you'll be with me the whole time. Joe we'll be fine this time I promise."

 

But promises are always broken and it doesn't ease Joe's thoughts in the slightest.

 

"I don't want you to go away again." Joe says softly, his forehead falling onto Caspar's shoulder as Caspar pulls him into his lap.

 

"I'm not going away from you though Joe. I'll be by your side everyday." Caspar kisses the side of his head, leaves his lips pressed against Joe's skin for some moments, "It'll be okay Joey."

 

"You've never called me that before." Joe says, lifting his head up, meeting with Caspar's ocean eyes, which shine as they look into his.

 

Caspar smiles slightly, but it doesn't look genuine, "I just- I don't want to call you baby, cause that's what, um, that's what he called me."

 

"Oh." Joe falls silent, and looks at Caspar's eyes which are cast down onto his lap, and Joe can't see the colours anymore, "That's okay. You can call me anything you want, I don't mind. We never have to use that word again." Joe promises and Caspar looks back up at him, his eyes duller than before but they're still beautiful.

 

"Thank you. We can go on holiday with everyone Joe. It's okay. It'll be like before." But Caspar can only hope it will put them back into their usual selves. Their happy selves, not the boys that cry everyday, lying in bed in each others' arms as if the other may be gone if they looked away for a moment.

 

Caspar misses that. Surely Joe does too.

 

"I don't think- it will ever be like before." Joe says. Because pranks wouldn't be funny anymore. Jaspar wouldn't be a joke anymore. Innuendo bingo will never feel right anymore. Videos, for Caspar especially, will never have a spark anymore. And every smile they share will never feel real, anymore.

 

Caspar knows Joe is right but he shakes his head, "No, we can get back to normal." But maybe it is true that they can't.

 

 

 

Eventually, Joe agrees to go on the holiday, since Caspar had told him, 'You either stay here by yourself without me for two weeks or you come with and we can relax by a swimming pool in warm sun everyday."

 

And that's what gets Joe to the airport a few days later, hand clasped around Caspar's arm as though they'll lose each other in the rush of people.

 

"I don't like it." He mutters to Caspar as they wait for the others to arrive.

 

"What's wrong?" Caspar asks, although he can't say he enjoys it either.

 

"People." Joe replies, shuffling closer to Caspar.

 

"Joe! Caspar!" Jack, Conor and Mikey all pile out of an uber, Jack waving frantically.

 

The two turn and walk over slowly. "Hi." Caspar says, tensing as Jack pulls him into a hug.

 

Joe pulls Caspar away, carefully, looking at Jack apologetically, "He doesn't like it."

 

Jack goes to speak but Caspar cuts him off, "Joe, it's fine."

 

Joe shakes his head, "Don't say that it's not, you know it's not fine."

 

Caspar glances at Joe and finds no words to argue with him. He purses his lips into a thin line and says nothing.

 

"You guys okay?" Conor changes he subject as the uber drives off.

 

No.

 

"Better than before." Joe answers, and it's true. "Where's Josh and Oli?"

 

"In a different uber but they're on their way."

 

Joe casts a look towards Caspar, which mixes with a small smirk. Caspar only shakes his head.

 

"Joe." Caspar smiles softly though, pulls the smaller lad into his arms and breathes out happily, "I love you."

 

Joe blushes, though, and glances at the other three anxiously, "Love you too." Joe mutters softly, because they know anyway. Hell the world must know by now.

 

"So, are you two like, a thing, now?" Jacks asks. And oh, Jack loves to say the worst things at the worst times.

 

"I-" Joe looks at Caspar with a curious look in his eyes.

 

What even are they? What have they ever been?

 

"We, we haven't discussed it yet." Caspar answers.

 

Oli and Josh are calmer. And Josh hugs Caspar gently, hesitantly and Oli smiles at Joe, and Joe hugs him.

 

"Thank you Oli."

 

Oli smiles too then, and holds his friend, "You're more than welcome mate."

 

 

 

Joe and Caspar do not sleep on the flight. And for a while Joe looks out the window, as London disappears under rolling clouds.

 

"Joe." Caspar whispers from beside him, and Joe looks over at him, bright eyes duller than he remembers but soft lips the same as always.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You don't mind, coming on this holiday, right?"

 

Joe shakes his head, "No, it's fine."

 

"We didn't have to come but I think it will be good for us."

 

"I know." Joe finds Caspar's hand and laces their fingers together, "It's fine. I'm just a little anxious but I'll be okay."

 

With a small rise of a smile, Caspar nods, "Okay." He kisses Joe's head with the most delicate touch.

 

"Have you looked at the response to your video?" Joe asks eventually a question on his mind for a good few days.

 

"Yeah." Caspar says, "Yeah, they are mostly supportive and happy I'm back."

 

"Really?" Joe's eyes glisten with hope that Caspar doesn't want to crush.

 

"Yeah. But I mean, there is always some bad comments." Caspar watches Joe's happiness drop and he wants to cry, "But there is barely any I promise." Though that is not entirely true because countless people wish he was actually dead and so many think it's made up for attention.

 

It does not upset Caspar though, like he knows it would upset Joe. It only angers him. That people, anyone, going through that, would have the same hateful words thrown at them. And it's so wrong and so ridiculous and it makes him so frustrated.

 

"Are you sure?" Joe asks, squeezing Caspar's hand, "I don't want them to upset you."  
 

"They're not Joe. They don't know me and I don't know them and they're irrelevant. Most people are supportive I swear."

 

Joe nods. "Okay." He says eventually. "But talk to me if they are."

 

Caspar kisses his temple again, the touch feeling like butterflies and the tickle of a sparkler on bonfire night. "I will."

 

 

It feels somewhat strange, walking out the airport without a camera, but it's good too, and Joe finds Caspar's hand in his and suddenly everything is right. When they reach the house they'd rented, Joe and Caspar choose the double bed, and Joe's almost smiling as Caspar pulls him close, and kisses his head.

 

"I love you." Caspar says quietly and Joe sighs happily arms tightening around Caspar's waist.

 

"I love you too." Joe replies with a happy sigh and closes his eyes. And he's so so glad to back in his roommates arms, and he wants to cry again, because oh god, he's so lucky.

 

 

The day passes slowly, as the group lounge around the pool, sunbathing and splashing about the water. Joe and Caspar lie beside each other, scarcely talking, only bathing in one another's presence. And they watch the sunset, and when Joe falls asleep in Caspar's arms, he carries him back inside, placing him gently under the covers. He watches him sleep, little breaths puffing from his lips and he looks peaceful and beautiful and Caspar falls asleep at last with a smile.

 

 

"Caspar!" Joe squeals as he splashes away from the blonde, "Stop!" He wriggles from Caspar's grasp with a choked laugh.

 

"No! Come back!" Caspar wraps his arms around Joe's waist, treading water to stay afloat, "Don't go."

 

Joe chuckles, but escapes his grasp splashing water at him as he gets away.

 

"Hey!" And Caspar splashes him back, causing the shorter lad to laugh. A laugh Caspar hasn't heard since that night. The last laugh he heard from Joe before he found him. A laugh from before.

 

"Maybe we should have bought our cameras." Josh whispers to Oli, as they watch the two splashing in the pool, "They look like their old selves."

 

Oli nods, "I hope they stay like this though."

 

"Caspar!" Joe gasps as Caspar catches him again, their faces close and they giggle softly, foreheads pressing together.

 

"Hi." Caspar says softly and the nostalgia rings through Joe's brain until he feels paralysed.

 

"H-hi, Caspar." His wet hands are in Caspar's hair suddenly, and he can feel Caspar's breath.

 

Caspar laughs softly, and buries his head in Joe's shoulder, "I can't get enough of hugging you." He whispers against the brunette's skin.

 

"Me neither. But." He pulls away slowly, "Everyone is watching us."

 

Caspar nods and splashes him with more water but Joe shivers.

 

"I'm cold Cas."

 

"Let's get out." Caspar agrees.

 

They order pizza for lunch, and Joe feeds Caspar and Caspar feeds Joe and their smiles shine in their eyes, and things are strangely better.

 

 

"Cuddles!" Caspar pulls him closer after shutting their bedroom door.

 

"Caspar?" Joe asks, looking up at him as the sun falls from the sky outside.

 

"Yeah?" Caspar asks, rocking him side to side.

 

"Are you okay now?"

 

Caspar thinks about it, and shrugs, "Nearly. I'm getting there. I enjoyed today."

 

Joe nods, eyes sparkle as he looks at Caspar. "Me too."

 

"Can I..." Caspar looks down at Joe's lips, he breathes out shakily, "Can I kiss you, Joe?" He asks eventually, in a soft voice that makes Joe shiver.

 

"Is it okay with you?" Joe asks and the taller boy nods without hesitating.

 

"If I don't like it we can stop?" Caspar poses it as a question and Joe thinks it's silly that he even needs to ask.

 

"Of course, Caspar."

 

"Okay." And for some moments they only stare at each other, at their eyes and lips and skin.

 

When lips touch lips there's a spark, and Joe sighs, hand in Caspar's hair and god he loves Caspar so much. His lips are the same as before, soft, careful and it still sets Joe's blood on fire. Caspar pulls away quickly and Joe drowns in his eyes and the oceans in them.

 

"I love you Joe." Caspar kisses him again, more confidently this time and Joe moans quietly in the back of his throat as he moves away.

 

"I love you too." so so much and I wish I said that in the first place and I wish I was never scared of it. 

 

And they kiss again like nothing else is worth it; like nothing else matters; like no one else has ever existed.


	21. Court

The silence makes Joe anxious, and he looks at Caspar, who does not look up from his shoes and Joe wants to be beside him. To hold him, and kiss him, and tell him he will be fine. But he sits beside Caspar's mum in the court room, and the judge sits at the front and a lawyer sits beside Caspar. And Joe has never felt so helpless.

 

He's never felt so helpless as Caspar tells the court room what happened. He's never felt so helpless as Caspar's voice cracks, and Joe thinks he will cry.

 

And he's never felt so angry either. So angry as when Dominic walks in, expressionless, and crazed eyes, darting around the room. He's never felt so angry when Dominic tells the court that Caspar had willing agreed every time. And how Caspar didn't want to leave.

 

Joe has never felt so angry.

 

 

"Caspar." Joe falls into the blondes arms outside the court room, holds him so tight, "I'm so sorry. Caspar, Caspar, Caspar."

 

And Caspar only holds him, looks around the corridors at his friends and his family with watery blue eyes.

 

 

The case lasts a week. A hard and long week of tears and silent, sleepless nights. And when the jury's spokesperson stands, everyone is holding bated breath.

 

"Guilty."

 

Relief.

 

A sigh; and exhale of breath.

 

Dominic hangs his head low and the judge strikes his hammer harshly.

 

And there.

 

12 years in prison.

 

12 years of freedom for Caspar.

 

And that night, as they curl up in bed after Caspar's family leave, Caspar kisses Joe's lips and he smiles softly.

 

"Do you think we could be happy now?"

 

Caspar shrugs, "I hope so."


	22. Out

"Are you sure?" Caspar asks again as they sit in front of the camera.

"Yes." Joe says, "It doesn't mean we have to walk around in public holding hands but, I think they should know why I was so upset and I think we should be truthful. Why do you not want to? Because if not-"  
"No, no Joe it's fine. I just want to know you're okay with this."

Joe smiles softly at him because that is what everything is about know, making sure they are both okay.

"I'm okay with this." Joe assures, taking Caspar's slightly clammy hand in his and smiling softly.

It has been nearly a month since the court case, and things are calmer, and almost happier. And of course it is a work in progress, and they both still have counselling, but things seem... Okay.

Caspar smiles back, a wide, bright and true smile that also glimmers a little in his eyes, eyes that Joe drowns in for a moment or so.

"Let's do this then."

They are sitting on Joe's bed, where they usually would for a collab video and Joe turns on the camera, sits back down and smiles at Caspar again, "How do we start?"

Because despite their feeling of 'okay', neither have the energy they once did. 

"Just a hello." Caspar shrugs. He doesn't want this to be a repeat of his video a couple months ago. 

Joe nods and they say a happy, but somewhat reserved hello. And it's awkward at first, and they stutter and look at each other for help even though they are both unsure and they do not know exactly how to word it at all.

But they get it out eventually, Joe telling the camera that they are boyfriends, and Caspar smiling so proudly that when Joe watches it back later, his heart feels warm and fuzzy and maybe even happy.

 

"Should we do it?" Joe asks finally when he decides the video is done. Caspar is by his side on his bed and he nods and kisses his boyfriend's cheek.

"Yes. We'll put them public at the same time right?"

Joe nods. They have decided to put the same video on both their channels, because explaining everything is hard, and painful and it hurts to say some of the things and they do not want to repeat it when they do not need to.

"We're okay now Joe." Caspar says, "We're actually okay."

Joe looks at him, away from the laptop screen, which is paused on a frame of Caspar looking at Joe like he is the entire world. 

"And we will become even better Caspar." Joe says contentedly and sighs quietly as Caspar rubs their noses together. Caspar laughs quietly and pecks his lips.

"Right, are you definitely sure about this Joe because there is no turning back when it goes public tomorrow."

Joe knows that and he nods, "I know and I am sure. What about you?"

"I am sure." Caspar confirms and he pecks the shorter lad's lips again, softly and sweetly and then Joe knows how it feels to be loved; how it feels to be in love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short but it makes me feel so calm and happy idk.
> 
> Also if you haven't seen it yet, I have made a Jaspar one shots book, there are two so far, they're really long and angsty but they end happy and I'm really proud of them. So check that out if you want, next update next Saturday.  
> xx


	23. Home

Oli is terribly proud of them both, after he watches the video, and is straight round their apartment, holding them so tightly, and Joe knows they are so lucky to have Oli as a friend. The others come round too, the night the video goes up, and they celebrate with a Nando's and drink champagne; a toast to Joe and Caspar.

 

They all fall asleep in the lounge, Oli and Josh lying together one armchair, Mikey on the other. Jack and Conor fall asleep on the sofa, and Joe drapes a blanket over them and takes the glass from Oli's hand, putting it on the coffee table.

 

"I'm glad to have them." Joe says quietly and he smiles at Caspar, who hugs him from behind and kisses his cheek.

 

"I know, me too." Caspar answers, "We should sleep."

 

Joe nods and turns around in Caspar's arms, breathing in his boyfriend's scent and warmth. His jumper is soft and fresh and safe and everything that means home. Caspar holds him tighter, closes his eyes.

 

"I love you so much." Joe says quietly, so softly like it may ruin the moment if the words where uttered too loudly.

 

"I love you too." Caspar replies and they stand there quietly for a while, gently rocking side to side. Joe begins to lose balance though, giggles,

 

"Come on let's go and sleep." He pulls from Caspar's arms, taking his hand and dragging him to the stairs. He pauses, looks back at his friends, "I still ship Josh and Oli."

 

Caspar laughs, "Joe!"

 

Joe smiles and patters down the stairs, Caspar close behind.

 

"Can you leave your jumper on?" Joe asks as they get ready for bed, taking off their trousers,

 

"I guess, why?" Caspar asks, climbing into Joe's bed and smiling as his boyfriend clambers in beside him,

 

"It's warm and comfy." Joe answers, burying his face in Caspar's chest and smiling. Caspar kisses his forehead and runs a hand through Joe's hair, slowly.

 

"Night Joseph."

 

The name tickles Joe's stomach and gives him a warm feeling in the pit of his stomach; it feels like it's glowing.

 

"Night Caspar. I love you more than anything."

 

Another forehead kiss and then Caspar closes his eyes, smiling mostly to himself, "I love you too Joey."

 

Another name that makes Joe feel warm and fuzzy inside, and then he's falling asleep, and everything is right, and warm, and safe, and everything that makes a home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is quite short but happy and there is only one more chapter! Also shout out to the amazing Ellie/OceanJaspar on twitter for making some beautiful fan art for this fic (I cried).


	24. Happiness

"What are you reading?" Joe asks, peering over Caspar's shoulder at his boyfriend's phone screen. Twitter,

 

"Just scrolling. People are really supportive." Caspar says, wrapping an arm around Joe's shoulders. Joe reads them too, smiling softly at the love they are receiving.

 

"It's nice." Joe says, "But I don't want to read that right now." He plucks Caspar's phone from his hands and jumps up from the sofa, rushing to the stairs.

 

"Joe! Give it back."

 

Caspar is chasing him, "No!" Joe answers, but then he feels arms around his waist, pulling him away from the stairs. "Caspar!" Joe laughs, trying to struggle from the blonde's grip.

 

"Give it back." Caspar complains and they stumble slightly until Joe is pressed against the glass by the stairs. Caspar's eyes are blue and bright and happy.

 

"No." Quickly, Joe stuffs the phone in his back pocket. "I don't want you to be on your phone I want us to do something."

 

Caspar smiles, and their noses are so close, almost touching, "Joe I love you. You mean so much to me."

 

Somehow, the whole situation feels familiar and Joe's heart beats fast, "I love you too, Caspar."

 

Joe's chest is light, and calm, and happy when they kiss. Happy is good.

 

"Caspar." Joe starts as he pulls away from the kiss. He takes Caspar's hand in his and presses it against his heart beat, "Can you feel it?"

 

Caspar tilts his head, "Well, yeah, you're alive I hope I can feel it." He's grinning so widely.

 

"But it's happy." Joe drops Caspar's hand and hugs him tight, "I feel happy."

 

Smiling, Caspar hugs him too, sliding his phone from Joe's back pocket and back into his own. "Me too Joey."

 

There's sunlight streaming through the window, and there's a glow and a brightness, and colour in their eyes. It's not just okay anymore, but good. Joe feels good, and he looks at Caspar, beautiful, perfect Caspar, and he feels so happy too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter but there will probably be an epilogue in the next couple of weeks. Xx


	25. Epilogue

The wedding is beautiful. Their suits are white and the confetti is every colour and it falls around them like snow.

 

Only it doesn't snow and the sun is warm and it shines so brightly and Joe looks in Caspar's eyes and they're blue, blue, blue, bluer than the awake sky, and he kisses him once and twice, and thrice outside the church and he laughs as everyone cheers, falling, embarrassed into his husband's shoulder.

 

The wedding reception is beautiful and the food is delicious. It had been a hard choice, between Josh and Oli for best man but after everything it had to be Oli. Oli who held Joe when he cried, slept beside him, called his mother to help him, did everything he ever thought he could to help, that Joe insisted it had to be him.

 

And Oli outdoes himself with the speech, and it's funny and sad and everyone is crying, but smiling when it is over and Caspar pulls Joe into his arms like there is no one else around him.

 

They have a disco afterwards, with Conor and Jack as DJs and after their first dance, the dance floor is blotted in flashing colours and the hottest of lights.

 

"Caspar." Joe says, somewhat quiet but enough for his Husband to hear over the thumping music.

 

"Yeah?" Caspar asks, his eyes reflect the dancing lights and happiness around them.

 

"You mean everything to me." He answers.

 

Although the music is up beat, and everyone around them are jumping and singing loudly but the two sway slowly as though a ballad is playing, and they're wrapped in each other's arms in the tightest embrace. Caspar kisses Joe's lips softly, like they have every minute in the world,

 

"You mean everything to me too, Joe."

 

"Joe!" Zoe's hugging him from behind, laughing slightly, "I'm so proud of you." Joe looks up at Caspar with a soft 'I'll see you later' look before he is dragged off into the crowd where his four year old niece is, sleepily, dancing with Alfie.

 

"Uncle Joe!"

 

Joe lifts her up into his arms, bounces her to the music and she squeals happily. He talks to Zoe and Alfie for a while and then he finds Oli in the crowd. Oli has drunk a little, Joe can tell, but he is still sober enough to hug to Joe tightly, seriously, and he understands Joe's (100th) thank you, and he says his 100th 'you're welcome'.

 

 

The night is fun and alive and the colours around the room dance into the early hours of the morning and when Joe and Caspar finally find themselves in bed, in the hotel, at 3am Joe's flingers ballroom dance up and down Caspar's bare skin.

 

"I love you so much." Joe whispers in the darkness as thought afraid someone could hear. Caspar pulls Joe closer, his husband, Joe, his amazing, beautiful husband, Joe.

 

"I love you so much more." Caspar says and a smile plays on his lips as Joe groans.

 

"We aren't doing this again." He says but he's smiling widely too and Caspar rubs his nose against Joe's until they are both giddily giggling.

 

It falls quiet after a while, and Joe falls deep in thought. "I could have actually jumped off that cliff." Joe says quietly after a while.

 

"Joe." Caspar sighs and kisses his husband's forehead, "Joey. We shouldn't think of that anymore. It's all okay, and we're both happy now."

 

"Happy." The word makes Joe smile and his voice is wistful and relaxed. "You make me happy."

 

"You make me happier."

 

Joe takes the pillow from under his head and hits Caspar in the face, "Stop!"

 

With a laugh, Caspar pulls the pillow from Joe's gentle grasp and hits him back, leaving the pillow over his face. Joe replaces it under his head but moves over to Caspar's chest instead, pressing his ear against where Caspar's heart is, and he listens as it beats steadily and this is the happiest either of them could ever possibly be;

 

In the darkness of a mediocre Hotel room, wrapped in white bed sheets and one another's arms. No words, but gentle breaths, steady heart beats, soft smiles, and each other, and everything they'd ever need or ever really want. And all the happiness under the stars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took longer than I hoped but hey exams and revision exist atm.
> 
> But yes, this is it, over. I do have a vague sequel based on their kids, but it would be short and I'm not really sure it's particularly necessary. I have a load of other story ideas, like so many Au's and I will start a new story eventually but as mentioned, exams and revision, so a new story may not be up until the end of June even buut, I have the one shots book which I may update between now and June and a phanfic too.
> 
> I hope you liked this story, it has been great to write and the support I've got for this has been amazing in all honesty.
> 
> So thank you! It's been an amazing journey, and I may write the sequel but I'll be pretty short. I love you all.
> 
> xx


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